Message to Myself – Melissa Etheridge

Dic. 28, 2007.



Im sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I would know that I am fine
I would know that I am strong

So, I’ve been delaying this a lot…a really lot. i didn’t want to write (again) about sad and depressing things, I refuse to feel miserable anymore. But its hard to do so in my present state of mind. This last days have been kinda rough.. the holidays, without my uncle and with my family on the state we are, without my friends (in a sort of way), and without a boyfriend (again). Loads of work, but I don’t feel like a very good employee lately [I actually feel underpaid…lets hope that after 360 I don’t have to feel that way..]

Today was my last day (for this year) at the office. We had a little prayer where everyone said their wishes for the new year.. I was very cliché: health and union in my family, progress in my work and that next year by this time im in Europe…but really what I want for next year is to get my scholarship so I can go to Europe for my Masters; that they promote me to Abogado Traine/ junior; that I can finally get along with my parents; that I can learn to save money and be debt free; that we win the nationals and are able to go to Washington and do good, a boyfriend. And no, im not being crazy or desperate..its just that the lack of it makes my life disbalanced…i have to replace that energy in something else, and right now I don’t have anything else. All my friends are doing their lifes independly, and I cant blame them..they are paying attention to their relationships..which is exactly what I would be doing if a had one.

Today was also Anthony’s B-Day. We went to a Karaoke Bar, kinda funky and spent some good time with the people we treasure. It wasn’t the best, but it was pretty good …I danced a little, but I would have rather danced at Parada , we were apart so I didn’t talk much, and I had to seat next to la pareja del momento, … don’t get me wrong, im not being bitter, but my shreading-my-old-life-like-skin process took a painfull acceleration today…specially after Amaury’s performance of “Stuck in a moment” by u2…im stuck in that moment, but I need to move on…he has, so I must do the same. I felt like he was telling me, ME, to get myself together and move on with my life…and I will, that’s precisely what im doing. Just that it takes time to gather the courage to start from scratch….

I told Indiana that maybe the reason is that I haven’t cried about it..i usually never cry, except when its out of anger...but for this, for all of this, I think I should force my heart to get it all out before it becomes a tumor. To cry my eyes and my heart out…to cry for everything... for him, for my GPA, for my uncle, for my moving-out plans, for the mother my mom will never be, for my broken dreams, for the things that were but are no more, for the things that could have been….for everything. I don’t want to be sad anymore...i don’t want to be bitter…I don’t want to be lonely no more…..

I wish so much for this New Year… i wish it grants me wisdom and serenity…that it provides me with choices and opportunities.. that it allows me to achieve my goals…but most importantly that it allows me to live it up to the very end…..

Love is what you get when love is what you speak…