Lo que yo quiero es que me quieran hasta con rabia….

27-4-08

I think I’ve broken all of the girl’s rules on the past weeks. If not, im pretty sure I might be getting my dating police ticket any time soon. It’s only now that I’ve realized that I make the same mistakes over and over….and over. Lets take as an example Exhibits A and J.

Exhibit A:
Well, what can I say about this one… if being passionate and “effusive” is a crime...then im guilty as charged. I couldn’t resist his smile, his charm…his witty yet predictable way of flirting with me. Yes, I know…I actually knew what he was going to say before he even said it. Its like they teach them that at boys school. But then again, he was so good at being bad…..it should be a felony. Obviously, it was a one night thing. We both expected it, and I might have been able to keep that up if I hadn’t seen him on Saturday. Knowing that it wasn’t that he had to leave, but that he made the choice of not looking for me, that he had a second chance at me and he didn’t take advantage at it (as bad and slutty as it might sound) …that he purposely and consciously chose to leave me behind, that’s what really hurts.

One might suppose that such an ego buster would have been enough for me to crucify him. But then I didn’t. And I don’t do still. Yes, bad I know. I actually wrote him an email (felony #1), added him to FaceBook (Felony #2), send him a message on FB (Felony #3…is there a three strikes rule on this complex mating/dating world?) and even added him (by accident….yeah right) to a general email regarding my new cell number (I think by now im more of a nut case than federal prison). To all of this, no answer on any of the fields. Not an email, not a phonecall, not a message on FB… not even a comment on a photo…nothing. And I know (the rational part of my brain) that it didn’t mean anything. Like Johnny said, what he told me he must be telling another chick right about now….. but no matter how many A’s I’ve gotten in school im still very stupid in relation to men. Call it naïve, optimism or dumbness…but I still hold my breath when I open my inbox just in case I get a message from him. Pathetic, I know….

Exhibit J:
Now this is a funny story. And its funny because one might see it as the opposite of Exhibit A, but it ended, pretty much, in the same manner. We met the traditional way. We went out together, had a great time and talked about grown up things. And even though my financial balance of that weekend was a disaster and I had less hours of sleep than in Jessup, I still considered it a good thing. And even though I had very clear the possibilities of another Chuck Formoso, and I even told him so (me here, you there…..mmmhhhh) we agreed that we would take things as they went. Not rushing, but making sure every step was taken. And even though he wasn’t drop-dead-gourgeous, and his life plan had several loopholes that were a great concern to me, mrs. I-already-have-my-5-10-and-20-year-plan, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. That was until I received that fatidic phone call. It was too good to be true…the girlfriend called me. Yeap, the i-didn’t-even-knew-you-existed-are-you-sure-you-are-not-the-ex girlfriend. She asked me what was I doing calling HER boyfriend. All I could do was laugh, answer with any stupidity that came to my mind, and then laugh some more. I told everyone about it, and I even wrote him an email saying “is there something I should know, maybe something you forgot to tell me while you where here?”. Of course he answered, saying how I changed his mind, how he never wanted me to get that phonecall…I think what really pissed me off from his email was not his lousy excuses, but the lack of them thereof. It was like “im sorry you feel that way”… dude, admit your responsibility. You had a girlfriend and yet leaded me to believe you were single. And even worst, if I did truly changed your mind, why didn’t you break up with her once you got back home…nooooo!!! You kept her, and kept me. You might have though these double jeopardy thing was going to last forever, or where you planning on bringing her on your x-mas trip???

And the part that leaves me perplexed is how, even if he didn’t get any (and I mean any), nothing more that hand holding and a farewell kiss…on his forehead. Everything perfectly orchestrated, after his goodbye afternoon a kiss on the forehead and a lapidary phrase “make sure you come back (or was it “I really hope you can come back”?) for x-mas. And even if A got a loooot, they both ended up the same way. Letting me down. Like seriously, guys, how hard is a little decency while dealing with a girl’s feelings?

Im too old for this. I don’t want one night stands, I don’t want flings, I don’t want crazy vacation stories. I want a relationship. Something solid, something stable, something workable. Is it too much to ask? How hard is it? I mean, I don’t think I ask for much. We behave like responsible adults, we can go out, and talk regularly...not every day, but every other day. Maybe a message or an email just to say I though of you. If you live far away, fine. I wont restrict you Friday night beers, but please…. There’s no need to pretend im invisible or to block me from your msn. There is no need to pretend to be someone else…just be yourself and we’ll work it from there.

All I want is that (with time) someone might be able to love me that way…the kind of love that is almost anger. It doesn’t have to happen overnight, but I just think I paid my dues…its time a boy notices that im actually a nice girl, gets his act together and asks me out. Believe me, I don’t play too hard to get and im actually very friendly.

I think the worst thing is im not really all that mad with either of them. With A, I can’t be mad. He did what was predictable of him. And I cant be mad and still hope with all my heart he will come around and contact me. I promised myself there wont be any more contact with him. I already sent him an email and a message on FB…he can take it from there.

With J, I don’t really care anymore. To be honest, I’m more curious of the circumstances, for some morbid reason, than mad at him for playing me. He wasn’t that hot anyway. (Shallow I know, but that’s the way it works with me…you have to turn me on to get me rolling..ask A…). Im actually thinking the answer of his non-apologeticall email…all I want is to know what the hell was he thinking. Like honestly, what was going through his head, how did she find out, what did he said……

I think I’m losing faith on boys….they just keep letting me down. However I don’t think im capable of giving up on love, not just yet. Every time I think about it a little hope stucks in my heart and makes me believe there a possibility of a tomorrow…..i can only hope…