20-05-08
On a happier note, (for a change) I just watched Billy Elliot, the movie about the british country boy who wanted to be a ballet dancer. I must say I’m seriously thinking of filing a formal complaint against hallmark Channel, they play the best movies so late at night, I can’t stop watching but I end up in bed at 1 and 2 am, which means less sleeping hours for me…and I need my sleep!!!
Well, the point is that this movie, like not so many others, leaves you thinking on what it was that you left behind in your childhood, that passion that could have made you a genius. In my case, I don’t think it was ballet. I wasn’t there long enough, but I still have the occasional dream of being a Prima Ballerina, and I still sight (profoundly and profusely) when I see someone dancing ballet or even at the mere sight of ballet shoes.
I know it wasn’t painting, ‘cause I suck at it. And lets just keep it short by saying that I suck at any handcrafting technique. I can’t sing that well, even if I pretend otherwise in the shower. Writing, however, I do think im pretty good at. And maybe none of my work will make it to the pullitzer (yet), but I can still enjoy the pleasure I derive from words: The ones I read and the ones I write.
Billy’s audition at the Royal Ballet had me wondering about my own audition, maybe with the French Embassy or with the British Commonwhealth office…I already booked the dates for my tests, the DELF and the TOEFL. I’ve spent quite a chunk of my money in it, but im following my dream. My dream, that passion that burns within me and that keeps the fire inside of me alive is to travel the world, to share my ideas with the world’s greatest minds, to be a part of that elite called “leaders”, “geniuses”, those who are destined to be a part of history. It might sound ambicious or even far fetched, but that’s what it is. And even though I could start going insaine now, trying to figure out every possible alternative to my ten year plan, Right now im taking it one step at a time. All I have in my head right now is the DELF (apart from the gazillion things at work of course). After im done with it I’ll start worrying about the next thing.
I might have an answer regarding france, maybe next week. All I can do right now is pray, cross my fingers and wait, strongly believing that God in his infinite wisdom and mercy will only give me that which is the best for me, and that when he takes something away (or out of your way) is because something better is in storage for you.
viernes, 11 de julio de 2008
Drowning sorrows in chocolate…
15-5-08
Today was crappy…all the way. It started with having to go to work on an (almost) holiday. Having to stand Petra and her (recently increasive) attitude…im not your motherfucking assistant, get the message already for Christ sake!! Belkys gave me a boche …apparently people (aka Berioska) have been complaining that I haven’t been supportive enough; that I don’t do things with a happy face, that im always grumpy…seriously??!! Have they even bothered to take a look at all the shit I have to do everyday…im almost swamp in papers, my desk can’t hold another file, im officially out of short term memory and my outlook inbox looks like a complaint department at Bellsouth. I have unreported hours and gas claims almost two months old….and Petra dares to complaint about why her stuff wasn’t done on her absence…like, really… I was doing your job, my job, all the things you didn’t do while I was gone plus all the rest of stuff that landed on us like a mudslide…im lucky I got out of it alive…I wanted you to come back soon, that’s how desperate I was…go figure…
I left work at 3.30pm, on the verge of tears and with this funky feeling stuck on my throat. I went to visit Noe, and she listened while I ranted for half an hour, and she fed me, and gave me cake so I could drown my sorrows on chocolate …yummy… afterwards we went shopping for her birthday gown. She showed me the dress she was planning on wearing (hideous) and after a loooooot of trying out stuff we finally came across the most gorgeous green & white dress, with strappy open toe sandals…yeah, sassy… I also bought Aida’s present, a cheery and colorful necklace that only she is capable of pulling off in style…esa fatal, she is so pretty and charming and fotogenic it should be illegal … I don’t know whether I want to kill her or be her…(Aida, if you ever read this I love you girl, you are my favorite Jessupian ;p)
So after we are done with the shopping, Yruma calls saying that since Pizarro would be closed, the “gathering” had been moved to joey’s house. Like, no offense, I love joey’s house. It’s our safe haven, always available and (almost) no annoying parents, but really…on her birthday after she has spent almost 2000 on a dress and shoes to show off on public…joey’s?? I recommended Friday’s , she agreed but then Yruma had a chiki show and bs, bs, bs….and Noe was doubting if pushing on Friday’s if he had arranged a “gathering” for her, no matter how crappy it might have been. At the end my dad came home babbling about some kid he knew who got killed by robbers and so on, obviously any plans for going out died without ceremony right in that moment. I called Noe and told her… I guess she was disappointed, but her excitement over seeing her boyfriend after so long overcame her.
I guess that’s the difference between us. She puts him first even on her birthday. She’d rather sit in a “gathering” at joey’s over dressed on her birthday, as long as he has planned that for her instead of stepping her foot down and saying :”No!, this is what I want to do”. I don’t. With me mere intentions won’t cut it. I need results. If I pull a rocking birthday party for you, you better do it right or not do anything at all. She wont care if you wrap the present in a left over newspaper the cat peed in, as long as it is your best try…with me, you better make sure its on a pretty box with a huge bow. Hey, he planned (or kinda something similar) a party for her even though he hates birthday himself; he sent her flowers, passionate red roses, openly and publicly, for everyone to know…I guess that did made me a little jealous. The good kind…Im happy she got it, I just want someone who would do that for me…not him of course, she can keep that nut case all to herself, but someone else…I guess its like the saying goes…el que espera lo mucho espera lo poco..if I’ve waited so long, a little bit more won’t kill me
So im sitting alone in my new room (its green, and bright and pretty), knowing that some people (specially Indiana) will think I didn’t go because I was mad at Yruma (she already warmed me about it at Pizza Hut last time we actually talked, she said that she knew that I was going to retreat and just avoid them until I was able to (miserably) live on without them) She might be right in some points, but I really don’t care anymore. In this story I never win so there’s no case in keeping the score… I really want Noe to be happy tonight, that she shines and feels special on her day…on the meantime, I’ll just stay here an be miserable on my own. There’s no need to disturb anyone with it.
Apparently I have to change my ways…in work, in life in general, my family and friends in particular…like it was that easy. I would love to change my ways, to be someone different. How many times have I stared at some people, examining their every move, every action, every gesture, every idea, just to see how could I become them…hey, they look happier, wealthier, funnier…they don’t frown, they don’t avoid annoying bank manager calls, they are always happy and preppy, and they are smart and funny and witty and they are perfect. Apparently, at least. But then when I look close enough I realize they are just human beings, putting up the charade we all do, pretending to be more of everything they want to be, or everything other people expect from them…and as imperfect as I may be, at least I try to keep it real, to stay true to myself…but apparently im going the wrong way. Im tired of fighting the system…I haven’t received anything but bruises and punches, so I give up. Where do I sign to become a part of the masses?? A lowprofile one please…with views and a minibar…. If I could just cease to be, to go out of myself for a while and be someone different…that would be awesome, to breathe a different air, to look at things on perspective…I’ll try, but it ain’t easy, and im keeping my hopes of succeeding very low…
…im just soooo tired, it’s gone from funny, to sad to plainly worrisome…
Today was crappy…all the way. It started with having to go to work on an (almost) holiday. Having to stand Petra and her (recently increasive) attitude…im not your motherfucking assistant, get the message already for Christ sake!! Belkys gave me a boche …apparently people (aka Berioska) have been complaining that I haven’t been supportive enough; that I don’t do things with a happy face, that im always grumpy…seriously??!! Have they even bothered to take a look at all the shit I have to do everyday…im almost swamp in papers, my desk can’t hold another file, im officially out of short term memory and my outlook inbox looks like a complaint department at Bellsouth. I have unreported hours and gas claims almost two months old….and Petra dares to complaint about why her stuff wasn’t done on her absence…like, really… I was doing your job, my job, all the things you didn’t do while I was gone plus all the rest of stuff that landed on us like a mudslide…im lucky I got out of it alive…I wanted you to come back soon, that’s how desperate I was…go figure…
I left work at 3.30pm, on the verge of tears and with this funky feeling stuck on my throat. I went to visit Noe, and she listened while I ranted for half an hour, and she fed me, and gave me cake so I could drown my sorrows on chocolate …yummy… afterwards we went shopping for her birthday gown. She showed me the dress she was planning on wearing (hideous) and after a loooooot of trying out stuff we finally came across the most gorgeous green & white dress, with strappy open toe sandals…yeah, sassy… I also bought Aida’s present, a cheery and colorful necklace that only she is capable of pulling off in style…esa fatal, she is so pretty and charming and fotogenic it should be illegal … I don’t know whether I want to kill her or be her…(Aida, if you ever read this I love you girl, you are my favorite Jessupian ;p)
So after we are done with the shopping, Yruma calls saying that since Pizarro would be closed, the “gathering” had been moved to joey’s house. Like, no offense, I love joey’s house. It’s our safe haven, always available and (almost) no annoying parents, but really…on her birthday after she has spent almost 2000 on a dress and shoes to show off on public…joey’s?? I recommended Friday’s , she agreed but then Yruma had a chiki show and bs, bs, bs….and Noe was doubting if pushing on Friday’s if he had arranged a “gathering” for her, no matter how crappy it might have been. At the end my dad came home babbling about some kid he knew who got killed by robbers and so on, obviously any plans for going out died without ceremony right in that moment. I called Noe and told her… I guess she was disappointed, but her excitement over seeing her boyfriend after so long overcame her.
I guess that’s the difference between us. She puts him first even on her birthday. She’d rather sit in a “gathering” at joey’s over dressed on her birthday, as long as he has planned that for her instead of stepping her foot down and saying :”No!, this is what I want to do”. I don’t. With me mere intentions won’t cut it. I need results. If I pull a rocking birthday party for you, you better do it right or not do anything at all. She wont care if you wrap the present in a left over newspaper the cat peed in, as long as it is your best try…with me, you better make sure its on a pretty box with a huge bow. Hey, he planned (or kinda something similar) a party for her even though he hates birthday himself; he sent her flowers, passionate red roses, openly and publicly, for everyone to know…I guess that did made me a little jealous. The good kind…Im happy she got it, I just want someone who would do that for me…not him of course, she can keep that nut case all to herself, but someone else…I guess its like the saying goes…el que espera lo mucho espera lo poco..if I’ve waited so long, a little bit more won’t kill me
So im sitting alone in my new room (its green, and bright and pretty), knowing that some people (specially Indiana) will think I didn’t go because I was mad at Yruma (she already warmed me about it at Pizza Hut last time we actually talked, she said that she knew that I was going to retreat and just avoid them until I was able to (miserably) live on without them) She might be right in some points, but I really don’t care anymore. In this story I never win so there’s no case in keeping the score… I really want Noe to be happy tonight, that she shines and feels special on her day…on the meantime, I’ll just stay here an be miserable on my own. There’s no need to disturb anyone with it.
Apparently I have to change my ways…in work, in life in general, my family and friends in particular…like it was that easy. I would love to change my ways, to be someone different. How many times have I stared at some people, examining their every move, every action, every gesture, every idea, just to see how could I become them…hey, they look happier, wealthier, funnier…they don’t frown, they don’t avoid annoying bank manager calls, they are always happy and preppy, and they are smart and funny and witty and they are perfect. Apparently, at least. But then when I look close enough I realize they are just human beings, putting up the charade we all do, pretending to be more of everything they want to be, or everything other people expect from them…and as imperfect as I may be, at least I try to keep it real, to stay true to myself…but apparently im going the wrong way. Im tired of fighting the system…I haven’t received anything but bruises and punches, so I give up. Where do I sign to become a part of the masses?? A lowprofile one please…with views and a minibar…. If I could just cease to be, to go out of myself for a while and be someone different…that would be awesome, to breathe a different air, to look at things on perspective…I’ll try, but it ain’t easy, and im keeping my hopes of succeeding very low…
…im just soooo tired, it’s gone from funny, to sad to plainly worrisome…
Blast from the past
03-05-08
Time for a little catching up…
I finally got promoted on my job. Now im making a decent amount of money even though my workload has multiplied by ten. I still have to see how its going to be once Petra is back, which will be on Tuesday. I’ve worked my ass of these past weeks. It was hectic, seriously. I had to work a couple of days until 11pm, and almost everyday until 7.30. Antonio was fired on Friday. I could say I was sad, but what’s the point of lying to myself? I really wasn’t. He is a rich boy, he doesn’t have a family to provide to, and he didn’t want the job either. We, and specially I, told him how he should have putted a little more of him into the work, to stay a little later, to arrive a little earlier, how he couldn’t take 2 hours for lunch. But he didn’t listen, and I ain’t nobody’s nanny. He got what he worked for…
Today I got together with Tony, Dd Joe and Yruma at Joe’s. We did Spaghettis and Beef. Tony is an excellent chef. We had a really good time, even if I had to leave early due to my parents paranoia. Like seriously??!!! I thought we were over this shit already. I even smashed my cell phone against a wall. Smart, very smart…now im stuck with my old cell…Heroito..not that I care a lot anyway. I actually like it a lot.
My parents and I reached an agreement regarding the car. Im getting my dad’s car (a 2005 Mitsubishi Lancer) as an exchange of my old car ( a 2000 Ford Festiva). All I have to do is pay the remaining of the car loan, which is like 250k. Not cheap, but I think I can figure out a way of paying for it with my new Abogado Trainee paycheck. Everyone said that it was a set up so I wouldn’t be able to move out. And I know they are right, but right now I think is the best thing to do. I can’t go anywhere without a car, and I think I can pay that off in less than 2 years. Besides, im also planning on leaving for Europe (for good) with a scholarship, hopefully before September 2009. If by august 2009 I don’t have any confirmation for scholarship, then I would just take the master’s on APEC with Pantheon Assas (the 8 thousand dollars one), talk to the people at P&H, have them pay half and just settle with that for the time. I know im not supposed to push things too hard, but im sure I’ll figure out a way of making it happen.
I received a message from Assif on FaceBook. It didn’t say much really. Just hope you are doing well, though of you today… nothing at all, yet it lighted up my face and had me smiling all day long like a crazy person. I haven’t answered JohnE’s email regarding the “I didn’t want you to get that phonecall” issue. Im still debating internally if its better to let it go or if I should write back…I’ll still have to consider it. Hector complemented me on Friday and I blushed. No big deal, yet is worth mentioning. I know its just my paranoia, and that it means anything. And I forbid myself from even thinking about it because I know the mayhem it can cause…yet, its worth mentioning.
Yruma hugged me today, and it felt like the old days. I know it might be my imagination playing tricks, or just a biological reaction to a primary need, specially once the fulfiller of said need is around. But we both knew that we couldn’t do that. It was just a moment, an electric shock that bonded us for the tenth of a second, but we both felt it and we both know that the other one felt it as well. No words needed…. Imagination will take care of the rest.
Im angry, tired and confused. I don’t really know where my north is anymore, but so far im just thankfull my boat is not sinking. I might join Jarolyn on a Youth Praying group on Thursdays. Im not quite sure yet, but I still have a couple of days to think it out.
I was reading my old blogs, and I felt like Melissa Etheridge did when she heard all her songs after battling with cancer….i’ve been so sad, and depressive and angry for so long, and in such a consistent way… I need to change my ways soon or I might not be able to live happily…. I wont know how. I must start over, yet I still look for a catalyst. something or someone that pushes me off the cliff and forces me to sink or swim, to fly or die….Europe, please, arrive…I need to move on forward, leaving all these baggage behind.
Time for a little catching up…
I finally got promoted on my job. Now im making a decent amount of money even though my workload has multiplied by ten. I still have to see how its going to be once Petra is back, which will be on Tuesday. I’ve worked my ass of these past weeks. It was hectic, seriously. I had to work a couple of days until 11pm, and almost everyday until 7.30. Antonio was fired on Friday. I could say I was sad, but what’s the point of lying to myself? I really wasn’t. He is a rich boy, he doesn’t have a family to provide to, and he didn’t want the job either. We, and specially I, told him how he should have putted a little more of him into the work, to stay a little later, to arrive a little earlier, how he couldn’t take 2 hours for lunch. But he didn’t listen, and I ain’t nobody’s nanny. He got what he worked for…
Today I got together with Tony, Dd Joe and Yruma at Joe’s. We did Spaghettis and Beef. Tony is an excellent chef. We had a really good time, even if I had to leave early due to my parents paranoia. Like seriously??!!! I thought we were over this shit already. I even smashed my cell phone against a wall. Smart, very smart…now im stuck with my old cell…Heroito..not that I care a lot anyway. I actually like it a lot.
My parents and I reached an agreement regarding the car. Im getting my dad’s car (a 2005 Mitsubishi Lancer) as an exchange of my old car ( a 2000 Ford Festiva). All I have to do is pay the remaining of the car loan, which is like 250k. Not cheap, but I think I can figure out a way of paying for it with my new Abogado Trainee paycheck. Everyone said that it was a set up so I wouldn’t be able to move out. And I know they are right, but right now I think is the best thing to do. I can’t go anywhere without a car, and I think I can pay that off in less than 2 years. Besides, im also planning on leaving for Europe (for good) with a scholarship, hopefully before September 2009. If by august 2009 I don’t have any confirmation for scholarship, then I would just take the master’s on APEC with Pantheon Assas (the 8 thousand dollars one), talk to the people at P&H, have them pay half and just settle with that for the time. I know im not supposed to push things too hard, but im sure I’ll figure out a way of making it happen.
I received a message from Assif on FaceBook. It didn’t say much really. Just hope you are doing well, though of you today… nothing at all, yet it lighted up my face and had me smiling all day long like a crazy person. I haven’t answered JohnE’s email regarding the “I didn’t want you to get that phonecall” issue. Im still debating internally if its better to let it go or if I should write back…I’ll still have to consider it. Hector complemented me on Friday and I blushed. No big deal, yet is worth mentioning. I know its just my paranoia, and that it means anything. And I forbid myself from even thinking about it because I know the mayhem it can cause…yet, its worth mentioning.
Yruma hugged me today, and it felt like the old days. I know it might be my imagination playing tricks, or just a biological reaction to a primary need, specially once the fulfiller of said need is around. But we both knew that we couldn’t do that. It was just a moment, an electric shock that bonded us for the tenth of a second, but we both felt it and we both know that the other one felt it as well. No words needed…. Imagination will take care of the rest.
Im angry, tired and confused. I don’t really know where my north is anymore, but so far im just thankfull my boat is not sinking. I might join Jarolyn on a Youth Praying group on Thursdays. Im not quite sure yet, but I still have a couple of days to think it out.
I was reading my old blogs, and I felt like Melissa Etheridge did when she heard all her songs after battling with cancer….i’ve been so sad, and depressive and angry for so long, and in such a consistent way… I need to change my ways soon or I might not be able to live happily…. I wont know how. I must start over, yet I still look for a catalyst. something or someone that pushes me off the cliff and forces me to sink or swim, to fly or die….Europe, please, arrive…I need to move on forward, leaving all these baggage behind.
Lo que yo quiero es que me quieran hasta con rabia….
27-4-08
I think I’ve broken all of the girl’s rules on the past weeks. If not, im pretty sure I might be getting my dating police ticket any time soon. It’s only now that I’ve realized that I make the same mistakes over and over….and over. Lets take as an example Exhibits A and J.
Exhibit A:
Well, what can I say about this one… if being passionate and “effusive” is a crime...then im guilty as charged. I couldn’t resist his smile, his charm…his witty yet predictable way of flirting with me. Yes, I know…I actually knew what he was going to say before he even said it. Its like they teach them that at boys school. But then again, he was so good at being bad…..it should be a felony. Obviously, it was a one night thing. We both expected it, and I might have been able to keep that up if I hadn’t seen him on Saturday. Knowing that it wasn’t that he had to leave, but that he made the choice of not looking for me, that he had a second chance at me and he didn’t take advantage at it (as bad and slutty as it might sound) …that he purposely and consciously chose to leave me behind, that’s what really hurts.
One might suppose that such an ego buster would have been enough for me to crucify him. But then I didn’t. And I don’t do still. Yes, bad I know. I actually wrote him an email (felony #1), added him to FaceBook (Felony #2), send him a message on FB (Felony #3…is there a three strikes rule on this complex mating/dating world?) and even added him (by accident….yeah right) to a general email regarding my new cell number (I think by now im more of a nut case than federal prison). To all of this, no answer on any of the fields. Not an email, not a phonecall, not a message on FB… not even a comment on a photo…nothing. And I know (the rational part of my brain) that it didn’t mean anything. Like Johnny said, what he told me he must be telling another chick right about now….. but no matter how many A’s I’ve gotten in school im still very stupid in relation to men. Call it naïve, optimism or dumbness…but I still hold my breath when I open my inbox just in case I get a message from him. Pathetic, I know….
Exhibit J:
Now this is a funny story. And its funny because one might see it as the opposite of Exhibit A, but it ended, pretty much, in the same manner. We met the traditional way. We went out together, had a great time and talked about grown up things. And even though my financial balance of that weekend was a disaster and I had less hours of sleep than in Jessup, I still considered it a good thing. And even though I had very clear the possibilities of another Chuck Formoso, and I even told him so (me here, you there…..mmmhhhh) we agreed that we would take things as they went. Not rushing, but making sure every step was taken. And even though he wasn’t drop-dead-gourgeous, and his life plan had several loopholes that were a great concern to me, mrs. I-already-have-my-5-10-and-20-year-plan, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. That was until I received that fatidic phone call. It was too good to be true…the girlfriend called me. Yeap, the i-didn’t-even-knew-you-existed-are-you-sure-you-are-not-the-ex girlfriend. She asked me what was I doing calling HER boyfriend. All I could do was laugh, answer with any stupidity that came to my mind, and then laugh some more. I told everyone about it, and I even wrote him an email saying “is there something I should know, maybe something you forgot to tell me while you where here?”. Of course he answered, saying how I changed his mind, how he never wanted me to get that phonecall…I think what really pissed me off from his email was not his lousy excuses, but the lack of them thereof. It was like “im sorry you feel that way”… dude, admit your responsibility. You had a girlfriend and yet leaded me to believe you were single. And even worst, if I did truly changed your mind, why didn’t you break up with her once you got back home…nooooo!!! You kept her, and kept me. You might have though these double jeopardy thing was going to last forever, or where you planning on bringing her on your x-mas trip???
And the part that leaves me perplexed is how, even if he didn’t get any (and I mean any), nothing more that hand holding and a farewell kiss…on his forehead. Everything perfectly orchestrated, after his goodbye afternoon a kiss on the forehead and a lapidary phrase “make sure you come back (or was it “I really hope you can come back”?) for x-mas. And even if A got a loooot, they both ended up the same way. Letting me down. Like seriously, guys, how hard is a little decency while dealing with a girl’s feelings?
Im too old for this. I don’t want one night stands, I don’t want flings, I don’t want crazy vacation stories. I want a relationship. Something solid, something stable, something workable. Is it too much to ask? How hard is it? I mean, I don’t think I ask for much. We behave like responsible adults, we can go out, and talk regularly...not every day, but every other day. Maybe a message or an email just to say I though of you. If you live far away, fine. I wont restrict you Friday night beers, but please…. There’s no need to pretend im invisible or to block me from your msn. There is no need to pretend to be someone else…just be yourself and we’ll work it from there.
All I want is that (with time) someone might be able to love me that way…the kind of love that is almost anger. It doesn’t have to happen overnight, but I just think I paid my dues…its time a boy notices that im actually a nice girl, gets his act together and asks me out. Believe me, I don’t play too hard to get and im actually very friendly.
I think the worst thing is im not really all that mad with either of them. With A, I can’t be mad. He did what was predictable of him. And I cant be mad and still hope with all my heart he will come around and contact me. I promised myself there wont be any more contact with him. I already sent him an email and a message on FB…he can take it from there.
With J, I don’t really care anymore. To be honest, I’m more curious of the circumstances, for some morbid reason, than mad at him for playing me. He wasn’t that hot anyway. (Shallow I know, but that’s the way it works with me…you have to turn me on to get me rolling..ask A…). Im actually thinking the answer of his non-apologeticall email…all I want is to know what the hell was he thinking. Like honestly, what was going through his head, how did she find out, what did he said……
I think I’m losing faith on boys….they just keep letting me down. However I don’t think im capable of giving up on love, not just yet. Every time I think about it a little hope stucks in my heart and makes me believe there a possibility of a tomorrow…..i can only hope…
I think I’ve broken all of the girl’s rules on the past weeks. If not, im pretty sure I might be getting my dating police ticket any time soon. It’s only now that I’ve realized that I make the same mistakes over and over….and over. Lets take as an example Exhibits A and J.
Exhibit A:
Well, what can I say about this one… if being passionate and “effusive” is a crime...then im guilty as charged. I couldn’t resist his smile, his charm…his witty yet predictable way of flirting with me. Yes, I know…I actually knew what he was going to say before he even said it. Its like they teach them that at boys school. But then again, he was so good at being bad…..it should be a felony. Obviously, it was a one night thing. We both expected it, and I might have been able to keep that up if I hadn’t seen him on Saturday. Knowing that it wasn’t that he had to leave, but that he made the choice of not looking for me, that he had a second chance at me and he didn’t take advantage at it (as bad and slutty as it might sound) …that he purposely and consciously chose to leave me behind, that’s what really hurts.
One might suppose that such an ego buster would have been enough for me to crucify him. But then I didn’t. And I don’t do still. Yes, bad I know. I actually wrote him an email (felony #1), added him to FaceBook (Felony #2), send him a message on FB (Felony #3…is there a three strikes rule on this complex mating/dating world?) and even added him (by accident….yeah right) to a general email regarding my new cell number (I think by now im more of a nut case than federal prison). To all of this, no answer on any of the fields. Not an email, not a phonecall, not a message on FB… not even a comment on a photo…nothing. And I know (the rational part of my brain) that it didn’t mean anything. Like Johnny said, what he told me he must be telling another chick right about now….. but no matter how many A’s I’ve gotten in school im still very stupid in relation to men. Call it naïve, optimism or dumbness…but I still hold my breath when I open my inbox just in case I get a message from him. Pathetic, I know….
Exhibit J:
Now this is a funny story. And its funny because one might see it as the opposite of Exhibit A, but it ended, pretty much, in the same manner. We met the traditional way. We went out together, had a great time and talked about grown up things. And even though my financial balance of that weekend was a disaster and I had less hours of sleep than in Jessup, I still considered it a good thing. And even though I had very clear the possibilities of another Chuck Formoso, and I even told him so (me here, you there…..mmmhhhh) we agreed that we would take things as they went. Not rushing, but making sure every step was taken. And even though he wasn’t drop-dead-gourgeous, and his life plan had several loopholes that were a great concern to me, mrs. I-already-have-my-5-10-and-20-year-plan, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. That was until I received that fatidic phone call. It was too good to be true…the girlfriend called me. Yeap, the i-didn’t-even-knew-you-existed-are-you-sure-you-are-not-the-ex girlfriend. She asked me what was I doing calling HER boyfriend. All I could do was laugh, answer with any stupidity that came to my mind, and then laugh some more. I told everyone about it, and I even wrote him an email saying “is there something I should know, maybe something you forgot to tell me while you where here?”. Of course he answered, saying how I changed his mind, how he never wanted me to get that phonecall…I think what really pissed me off from his email was not his lousy excuses, but the lack of them thereof. It was like “im sorry you feel that way”… dude, admit your responsibility. You had a girlfriend and yet leaded me to believe you were single. And even worst, if I did truly changed your mind, why didn’t you break up with her once you got back home…nooooo!!! You kept her, and kept me. You might have though these double jeopardy thing was going to last forever, or where you planning on bringing her on your x-mas trip???
And the part that leaves me perplexed is how, even if he didn’t get any (and I mean any), nothing more that hand holding and a farewell kiss…on his forehead. Everything perfectly orchestrated, after his goodbye afternoon a kiss on the forehead and a lapidary phrase “make sure you come back (or was it “I really hope you can come back”?) for x-mas. And even if A got a loooot, they both ended up the same way. Letting me down. Like seriously, guys, how hard is a little decency while dealing with a girl’s feelings?
Im too old for this. I don’t want one night stands, I don’t want flings, I don’t want crazy vacation stories. I want a relationship. Something solid, something stable, something workable. Is it too much to ask? How hard is it? I mean, I don’t think I ask for much. We behave like responsible adults, we can go out, and talk regularly...not every day, but every other day. Maybe a message or an email just to say I though of you. If you live far away, fine. I wont restrict you Friday night beers, but please…. There’s no need to pretend im invisible or to block me from your msn. There is no need to pretend to be someone else…just be yourself and we’ll work it from there.
All I want is that (with time) someone might be able to love me that way…the kind of love that is almost anger. It doesn’t have to happen overnight, but I just think I paid my dues…its time a boy notices that im actually a nice girl, gets his act together and asks me out. Believe me, I don’t play too hard to get and im actually very friendly.
I think the worst thing is im not really all that mad with either of them. With A, I can’t be mad. He did what was predictable of him. And I cant be mad and still hope with all my heart he will come around and contact me. I promised myself there wont be any more contact with him. I already sent him an email and a message on FB…he can take it from there.
With J, I don’t really care anymore. To be honest, I’m more curious of the circumstances, for some morbid reason, than mad at him for playing me. He wasn’t that hot anyway. (Shallow I know, but that’s the way it works with me…you have to turn me on to get me rolling..ask A…). Im actually thinking the answer of his non-apologeticall email…all I want is to know what the hell was he thinking. Like honestly, what was going through his head, how did she find out, what did he said……
I think I’m losing faith on boys….they just keep letting me down. However I don’t think im capable of giving up on love, not just yet. Every time I think about it a little hope stucks in my heart and makes me believe there a possibility of a tomorrow…..i can only hope…
Siempre me quedará… - Bebe
15/04/08
So, today is my second day back home. DC was awesome…almost surreal. I still pinch myself now and then to make sure it wasn’t a dream. So many things, I’ll try to recap as many as I can….here we go.
We left Friday at noon. It was exhilarating being in the airport knowing that it was me the one going away. The flight was decent. We arrived at Miami, and had to wait for a couple of hours. When we finally get on the plane they tell us that we must wait for the crew to arrive…and after almost an hour they say that the plane wasn’t safe enough to fly so we had to catch another plane, that was on the exact opposite part of the airport…again, how much do I hate Miami International!! I had to run dragging that titanic-like heavy carry-on. We arrived at DC at 11.30. It was cold outside, not as much as we were expecting, but I loved it.
So we get on a SuperShuttle (a shared van) with two other guys that seemed Americans. And we talk like parrots, and laugh out loud, and scream at each other stupid jokes…and we kept saying “what must these guys be thinking of us?”…”thank god they cant understand us..” in spanish. It was all cool, until Aida made a comment about the obelisco macho africano. And then Jimena said “thank god they cant understand us” and the guy next to her says “ I can understand” and the guy behind him says “ me too”…Aida turned tomato red and I was almost asphyxiated from laughing so hard…seriously!
We arrived at the hotel, we check in...and he had to chip in US$100, cause we didn’t have all the money to pay considering the hotel’s taxes. We go to our room exhausted, and at some point during the night, approximately at 2 am a beep starts to come out of the room. Jimena and I each grabbed a phone but at the same time that we looked at each other puzzled a soft voice comes out of the speakers and says “ this is a fire emergency, please exit the building”. It was mayhem after that. We had to wake Aida up, Denisse got out of the shower on a towel and a shower cap screaming “are you fucking kidding me ??!!” It was soooo funny. At the end it was just a false alarm, so we went back to our room and laughed the whole thing up. Aida was so hyper she couldn’t sleep so I had to hear her plead…not entirely ‘cause I felt asleep half way.
On Saturday we went for a tour of Georgetown, we studied and we pleaded a little. On Sunday it was the inauguration. I got to see my friends Milan and Theo, and also met new people like the Costa Rican, and the Coaches from DePaul U. (Chicago) Ed and Assif; I also met the guys from Hungary, Anna and another dude whose name I can’t remember but that was very nice.
On the team presentation, Denisse and Aida were both dressed in yellow tops (Aida had a yellow trench coat and Denisse had a yellow pullover over a stripped shirt), so after that everyone remembered the Dominican team!! Las amarillas… Hey, if I’d known that before I would have planned something better, but im sooo doing the same next year!! (uhm…next year…perhaps…maybe….next year…we’ll see…).After that we got our memorials and went to study.
We went against Uruguay, Amity Law School (India), Leiden University and Italy. The Italians were like our pets after that round. We hanged out with them 24/7 after that. On Wednesday we had dinner with the Italians at a Mexican restaurant and headed for the announcement party held at “Avenue”, a club in New York Ave. It had two floors and two different dance floors. The music was good (considering it was DC). The bad thing is I didn’t see Milan nor Theo then, but I did danced a lot with the Italians and with Assif. We didn’t make it to the top 24 but I kept enjoying my party any way.
On Thursday we went to Arlington Cementery and shoping. I spent a loot of money, but it was ok. That night was the Go National. I was dressed as a tourist with my camera, my Santo Domingo t-shirt and my jeans. I danced a loot that day too. I handed out bolones , and got to meet a lot of new people like the Taiwanese team.
On Friday we went out to the museums. I saw the Lincoln Memorial and the Holocaust Museum. We had lunch with Claudia and Mena at Pentagon Mall and then I went to Georgetown to get my new camera, a birthday present from my mom. That night we went dancing to a place called Sexto Senso, a very nice club in Dupont Circle. I met Santiago and Daniel, two of Claudia’s friends who work as consultants for the OAS. Santiago works in economy with the World Bank or something, and Daniel is a Human Rights consultant, ex-CEJA champion…how cool? They were both adorable, so nice and funny, I couldn’t have asked for better tour guides. At the club we met with the Costa Rican team and I danced the best salsa ever! I had a blast that nigh, the only bad thing was Jime lost her wallet and they had to go back to the hotel to report the credit cards.
When we got back to the hotel I met with Assif on the lobby. That night is one I will remember for a long time. My god we was gorgeous…there are words that wont mean the same after that night. What happened is something I’ll keep to myself, just for now. It calls for a special post of its own.
That Saturday morning I went jogging. I took Rose Park right at the entrance of Georgetown and ran its trails until it ended and then back again to Georgetown…twice. When I got back to the hotel I went to say god morning to Assif. Couldn’t help myself. He was still sleeping, with his hair all messed up and his lovely pajama bottom….god im a dork!! I went back to my room and got ready to go out with the girls. Aida and I went to Georgetown and we got back just in time for the finals. And who was there? No one but the same guy that told me the day before they were leaving before the finals… It was one of the most boring finals I’ve seen. Nobody really liked it. So I went to my room and washed my hair, got ready and went to have dinner with Theo at Jimmy Rockets. I had such a blast with him, since he was soo hungry he wanted onion rings and hot chocolate!! He ordered a huge burguer and at the end he ate it all and half of mine. We talked about our lifes and how we would all four of us (his girlfriend Padija, him Milan and I ) take a trip to Greece once I was at Europe doing my masters. After dinner I went back, changed into my lovely (but not so picture-friendly) dress and my sassy-looking, but oh-so-uncomfortable shoes, better known as fuck me pumps. I must say I looked dashing, took my new camera and headed for a good time. I enjoyed myself a lot at the party. Didn’t get to see Milan nor Theo (him I ran into after the party. He was wasted with one of the costa Rican, so I gave him his present and Milan’s , hugged him and kissed him goodbye, not without promising that we would keep up things the way they’ve been so far..we are good friends anyway and that we would write and send pics more often.). I ran into Assif a cpuple of times (unintentionally) but nothing really happened…I don’t know if he was embarrassed, ignoring me or just that we didn’t had any luck…but I wasn’t going to sit down and think about it. I danced with my boys (Santiago, Daniel y el Chunco….que baila merengue mas bueno!!!!) After the party we headed for the room of the guys from UCL. I sat there with Serouch (lovely boy, a true gentleman…really, breathtakingly amazing) We talked a little about a lot. Took some pictures. Received a very nasty and improper comment from a very drunk guy from the Costa Rican Team…but then I talked to Johnny B. and everything was fine again (Gourgeous, tall, smart and a true gentleman…wao, I must go to UK, no doubt…). Took some more pictures and headed for my room. Luckily for me the girls were going to the party right at that moment, so I had the chance to play my Damien Rice music and do my luggage at my own way without people in the middle. I did also called Assif’s room…can’t help it..hasta mis debilidades son mas fuertes que yo…but he wasn’t there (luckily?) so I left a message and concentrated back to the task at hand: how to get all that extra weight into the same piece of luggage. By the time the girls got back I had everything picked up. We went to bed (at 6 am thank you) and got up again at 7. Showered, got dressed and headed to the lobby to get our team packages and do the check out. Jimena got into he top 100 oralist (No. 77), we had very good scores on the rounds. We won 3 of four, and the one we lost was mainly because of the memorial. We took a cab and headed for the airport.
The check in line at Reagan was awful. Long and tourtous. When we finally got to the plane I got window, but I was soo sleepy I could even hold my head up. I wasn’t able to sleep wither so go figure. When we got to Miami I bought a Starbucks (the first and only), It was a White Chocolate Mocha…delicious if it wasn’t for the fact that I spilled half of it when I was taking my coat off. Aida’s flight had a problem so she was stucked in Miami until 8…ours was at 4. I left her all the money I had left ( US$21 to be exact) in case of emergency. We took the plane back home and arrived safe and sound. Our luggage took forever to come out, which made me every nervous. But when we finally had everything each one headed home….home…im back home…. When I arrived Manuel was waiting for me with a chocolate cake. I gave him his present, which he adored, just like I thought he would. Indiana came too, Joey, Noe and Anthony. Johnny was at the movies, so he took a rain check.
On Monday I went back to the office to sit for the first time on my new place with my new position. It was nice to be back, but I also miss DC a lot..specially the people..some more than others. On Tuesday I started to get more into the routine..but I still google to find a decent picture and curse my browser for blocking Facebook (yeap, my principles went down the drain… I have facebook now… god have merci…). I talked to Lilly and got my new number for my mobile. Now I have 100 minutes a month I can spend however I want to ….tempting…
So many things still linger in my head…but I decided not to overthink anything. Just hang on until this weekend and figure it out from there…one day at a time.
PD: I don’t regret it, I would do it again..is the things I didn’t do that torment me now….porque despues de ti, todo me sabe a mar……
So, today is my second day back home. DC was awesome…almost surreal. I still pinch myself now and then to make sure it wasn’t a dream. So many things, I’ll try to recap as many as I can….here we go.
We left Friday at noon. It was exhilarating being in the airport knowing that it was me the one going away. The flight was decent. We arrived at Miami, and had to wait for a couple of hours. When we finally get on the plane they tell us that we must wait for the crew to arrive…and after almost an hour they say that the plane wasn’t safe enough to fly so we had to catch another plane, that was on the exact opposite part of the airport…again, how much do I hate Miami International!! I had to run dragging that titanic-like heavy carry-on. We arrived at DC at 11.30. It was cold outside, not as much as we were expecting, but I loved it.
So we get on a SuperShuttle (a shared van) with two other guys that seemed Americans. And we talk like parrots, and laugh out loud, and scream at each other stupid jokes…and we kept saying “what must these guys be thinking of us?”…”thank god they cant understand us..” in spanish. It was all cool, until Aida made a comment about the obelisco macho africano. And then Jimena said “thank god they cant understand us” and the guy next to her says “ I can understand” and the guy behind him says “ me too”…Aida turned tomato red and I was almost asphyxiated from laughing so hard…seriously!
We arrived at the hotel, we check in...and he had to chip in US$100, cause we didn’t have all the money to pay considering the hotel’s taxes. We go to our room exhausted, and at some point during the night, approximately at 2 am a beep starts to come out of the room. Jimena and I each grabbed a phone but at the same time that we looked at each other puzzled a soft voice comes out of the speakers and says “ this is a fire emergency, please exit the building”. It was mayhem after that. We had to wake Aida up, Denisse got out of the shower on a towel and a shower cap screaming “are you fucking kidding me ??!!” It was soooo funny. At the end it was just a false alarm, so we went back to our room and laughed the whole thing up. Aida was so hyper she couldn’t sleep so I had to hear her plead…not entirely ‘cause I felt asleep half way.
On Saturday we went for a tour of Georgetown, we studied and we pleaded a little. On Sunday it was the inauguration. I got to see my friends Milan and Theo, and also met new people like the Costa Rican, and the Coaches from DePaul U. (Chicago) Ed and Assif; I also met the guys from Hungary, Anna and another dude whose name I can’t remember but that was very nice.
On the team presentation, Denisse and Aida were both dressed in yellow tops (Aida had a yellow trench coat and Denisse had a yellow pullover over a stripped shirt), so after that everyone remembered the Dominican team!! Las amarillas… Hey, if I’d known that before I would have planned something better, but im sooo doing the same next year!! (uhm…next year…perhaps…maybe….next year…we’ll see…).After that we got our memorials and went to study.
We went against Uruguay, Amity Law School (India), Leiden University and Italy. The Italians were like our pets after that round. We hanged out with them 24/7 after that. On Wednesday we had dinner with the Italians at a Mexican restaurant and headed for the announcement party held at “Avenue”, a club in New York Ave. It had two floors and two different dance floors. The music was good (considering it was DC). The bad thing is I didn’t see Milan nor Theo then, but I did danced a lot with the Italians and with Assif. We didn’t make it to the top 24 but I kept enjoying my party any way.
On Thursday we went to Arlington Cementery and shoping. I spent a loot of money, but it was ok. That night was the Go National. I was dressed as a tourist with my camera, my Santo Domingo t-shirt and my jeans. I danced a loot that day too. I handed out bolones , and got to meet a lot of new people like the Taiwanese team.
On Friday we went out to the museums. I saw the Lincoln Memorial and the Holocaust Museum. We had lunch with Claudia and Mena at Pentagon Mall and then I went to Georgetown to get my new camera, a birthday present from my mom. That night we went dancing to a place called Sexto Senso, a very nice club in Dupont Circle. I met Santiago and Daniel, two of Claudia’s friends who work as consultants for the OAS. Santiago works in economy with the World Bank or something, and Daniel is a Human Rights consultant, ex-CEJA champion…how cool? They were both adorable, so nice and funny, I couldn’t have asked for better tour guides. At the club we met with the Costa Rican team and I danced the best salsa ever! I had a blast that nigh, the only bad thing was Jime lost her wallet and they had to go back to the hotel to report the credit cards.
When we got back to the hotel I met with Assif on the lobby. That night is one I will remember for a long time. My god we was gorgeous…there are words that wont mean the same after that night. What happened is something I’ll keep to myself, just for now. It calls for a special post of its own.
That Saturday morning I went jogging. I took Rose Park right at the entrance of Georgetown and ran its trails until it ended and then back again to Georgetown…twice. When I got back to the hotel I went to say god morning to Assif. Couldn’t help myself. He was still sleeping, with his hair all messed up and his lovely pajama bottom….god im a dork!! I went back to my room and got ready to go out with the girls. Aida and I went to Georgetown and we got back just in time for the finals. And who was there? No one but the same guy that told me the day before they were leaving before the finals… It was one of the most boring finals I’ve seen. Nobody really liked it. So I went to my room and washed my hair, got ready and went to have dinner with Theo at Jimmy Rockets. I had such a blast with him, since he was soo hungry he wanted onion rings and hot chocolate!! He ordered a huge burguer and at the end he ate it all and half of mine. We talked about our lifes and how we would all four of us (his girlfriend Padija, him Milan and I ) take a trip to Greece once I was at Europe doing my masters. After dinner I went back, changed into my lovely (but not so picture-friendly) dress and my sassy-looking, but oh-so-uncomfortable shoes, better known as fuck me pumps. I must say I looked dashing, took my new camera and headed for a good time. I enjoyed myself a lot at the party. Didn’t get to see Milan nor Theo (him I ran into after the party. He was wasted with one of the costa Rican, so I gave him his present and Milan’s , hugged him and kissed him goodbye, not without promising that we would keep up things the way they’ve been so far..we are good friends anyway and that we would write and send pics more often.). I ran into Assif a cpuple of times (unintentionally) but nothing really happened…I don’t know if he was embarrassed, ignoring me or just that we didn’t had any luck…but I wasn’t going to sit down and think about it. I danced with my boys (Santiago, Daniel y el Chunco….que baila merengue mas bueno!!!!) After the party we headed for the room of the guys from UCL. I sat there with Serouch (lovely boy, a true gentleman…really, breathtakingly amazing) We talked a little about a lot. Took some pictures. Received a very nasty and improper comment from a very drunk guy from the Costa Rican Team…but then I talked to Johnny B. and everything was fine again (Gourgeous, tall, smart and a true gentleman…wao, I must go to UK, no doubt…). Took some more pictures and headed for my room. Luckily for me the girls were going to the party right at that moment, so I had the chance to play my Damien Rice music and do my luggage at my own way without people in the middle. I did also called Assif’s room…can’t help it..hasta mis debilidades son mas fuertes que yo…but he wasn’t there (luckily?) so I left a message and concentrated back to the task at hand: how to get all that extra weight into the same piece of luggage. By the time the girls got back I had everything picked up. We went to bed (at 6 am thank you) and got up again at 7. Showered, got dressed and headed to the lobby to get our team packages and do the check out. Jimena got into he top 100 oralist (No. 77), we had very good scores on the rounds. We won 3 of four, and the one we lost was mainly because of the memorial. We took a cab and headed for the airport.
The check in line at Reagan was awful. Long and tourtous. When we finally got to the plane I got window, but I was soo sleepy I could even hold my head up. I wasn’t able to sleep wither so go figure. When we got to Miami I bought a Starbucks (the first and only), It was a White Chocolate Mocha…delicious if it wasn’t for the fact that I spilled half of it when I was taking my coat off. Aida’s flight had a problem so she was stucked in Miami until 8…ours was at 4. I left her all the money I had left ( US$21 to be exact) in case of emergency. We took the plane back home and arrived safe and sound. Our luggage took forever to come out, which made me every nervous. But when we finally had everything each one headed home….home…im back home…. When I arrived Manuel was waiting for me with a chocolate cake. I gave him his present, which he adored, just like I thought he would. Indiana came too, Joey, Noe and Anthony. Johnny was at the movies, so he took a rain check.
On Monday I went back to the office to sit for the first time on my new place with my new position. It was nice to be back, but I also miss DC a lot..specially the people..some more than others. On Tuesday I started to get more into the routine..but I still google to find a decent picture and curse my browser for blocking Facebook (yeap, my principles went down the drain… I have facebook now… god have merci…). I talked to Lilly and got my new number for my mobile. Now I have 100 minutes a month I can spend however I want to ….tempting…
So many things still linger in my head…but I decided not to overthink anything. Just hang on until this weekend and figure it out from there…one day at a time.
PD: I don’t regret it, I would do it again..is the things I didn’t do that torment me now….porque despues de ti, todo me sabe a mar……
Amores Lejanos (A letter to Jonathan E.)
I feel the urge to write down everything that happened this last weekend in case memory fails me and my imagination tries to play tricks on me. I’ll start from the beginning.
On Wednesday was Pepe’s and Beni’s wedding. I couldn’t make it to the ceremony on time, but we got to the reception. It was ok, nothing extravagant, but the highlight of the event was that I met the groom’s brother: Jonathan. He seemed like a nice guy, so we asked him the usual, what are you guys up to, sure, lets get together later on…..I never thought at that moment how these words would transform the landscape of my (until now) monotonous life.
On Thursday we went to Dock for Laura’s Birthday. We picked him up, had a couple of drinks (a shot called King Solomon), then left Pamela at Tonic and we went to Parqueo, had all the shots on the menu, and then went to take a walk to La Zona. I was sooo sick that day from mixing different types of alcohol that it would be a long time until I can see a shot glass the same way. We even saw an exposition about Duarte…indeed drunk people can’t articulate properly.
On Friday I went to Carmen Luisa, Ana Pa and Jose’s Farewell party at Ferro’s. I danced and had a good time, even got a chance of meeting with Rachel and Fito. After that I headed for the Elsa Party at Quintana. I danced with Tony, but left short after. When I was heading home I received a phone call, picked him up and took him back to La Zona. We walked a little and then ended up in Hard Rock Café. Nice music, good conversation and a dissertation on how proportional your tip must be according to the effort made by the waitress to smile at you and act perky….ours won $50.00, ‘cause she really tried hard.
On Saturday I had to work all day, and when I got home from a hard day’s labor, my sister tells me that they’ve planned a dancing celebration for Pepe’s wedding . We get ready, head out to Jet Set and when we get to pepe’s house to pick them up: surprise!! Not only where none of them three ready, the lovebirds refused to go. We had to take Jonathan back to the Hotel to change, so I dropped my sis at Jet Set. Headed for the Hotel, but right there Indiana calls and tells me she’s waiting at my house so we can both go to an Elsa party at Key West. I pick her up and we both accompany Johnny to the hotel. Once he is (finally) ready we head to the bar. The music was nice, the place really cool and I tried to show him how to dance reggueton. Other people where there, of the kind of: “ups, didn’t see you but I’ll still go on the opposite direction”. However, I think it was a juxtaposition of how the new replaces the old. After that I had to honor my promise to my sister and headed back to Jet Set. There I danced a couple of songs with Galvis, such a charming young man, and afterwards sat down and explained to Johnny all different types of dancing rhythms we have. He promised me he would learn to dance by the time he comes back. After that, and since there where no guys to dance with, we headed to la zona, where my sis took off to Atarazana and I took him to the infamous Parada 77. There wasn’t an ambiance at parada, so we sat on the back and talked, a lot, about a lot of things…and someone said something, and then someone blushed, and then things where written on the wall…and now a song from aventura will never be the same again, and I don’t care anymore If I have to carry the world on my shoulders, for they are very happy now.
On Sunday I had to work, so we agreed to get together, go to the theater and then to Cinema. A change of plans due to Zamudio’s disappearance ended on us at the Museum of Modern Art. It was amazing seeing all those painting and art forms and actually discussing each one of them, and talking about the artist perspectives on its art. Simply mind blowing and culturally orgasmic. After that we went to grab a bite ‘cause someone didn’t have lunch, so we ended in Cherokee. Yep, the best burger in town, period. It has been internationally acknowledged now. We talked a lot there, about marriage, family, cultural perspectives on life together, on mothers, and on how we see the future. After that we headed to the Malecon. Since it was closed we parked the car and walked by the seashore, talking about soo much and nothing at the same time. The see breeze can rust the hardest armors and expose a beating heart, no matter how broken it might be. And promises where made, and plans were tough of....but a plead and a question remained in the air unspoken.
After that I drove him to Pepe’s house to get something… we had a gravy and cheese French fries thing that was decent yet not so appealing. But it served the purpose of confirming that which was suspected : Time, the great provider of wisdom and maturity, has no space on teenager love. It made me take a mental note for a future evaluation of myself in several aspects, but specially to see how much of myself I would concede to put the Me behind the Us…..
After that I drove Jonathan back to his hotel, we talked a lot on the way there and when it came the time to say goodbye a question and a plead still remained, not quite unspoken but rephrased. We said goodbye, hugged each other and headed our own ways. I called him once I got home to tell him I ‘d arrived home safe (very crappy excuse) and to make him promise two things: that he would never give up on his dreams and that he would come back (to me) on x-mas. He promised the first, but only assured me of trying for the second. A part of me was disappointed, but then I realized that it is exactly what I would have done: you can’t promise things that you don’t control, but you can surely try to make them happen. And a little voice on the back of my head said that maybe I wouldn’t be home for x-mas…oh London, how deep in my heart have you stucked. We’ll keep in touch and time will tell, but in the mean time I can look back to my weekend every once in a while and realize that coincidences are non-existent, and everything has a purpose.
Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and think that it was all a dream…maybe once life sinks in things will just go back to the way they’ve always been, but now I have a little raindrop on my shoulder, a reason to see life from a different perspective and an open invitation to a Snow festival in Montreal.
PD: Even though my bubble burst and now the sea breeze will no longer fill my lungs, there are new reasons to look to life on a different perspective. I’ve waked you out of your coma, but you have returned the drums to my heart. Thank You. And don’t worry, the things we said will remain a secret. Scouts Honor.
On Wednesday was Pepe’s and Beni’s wedding. I couldn’t make it to the ceremony on time, but we got to the reception. It was ok, nothing extravagant, but the highlight of the event was that I met the groom’s brother: Jonathan. He seemed like a nice guy, so we asked him the usual, what are you guys up to, sure, lets get together later on…..I never thought at that moment how these words would transform the landscape of my (until now) monotonous life.
On Thursday we went to Dock for Laura’s Birthday. We picked him up, had a couple of drinks (a shot called King Solomon), then left Pamela at Tonic and we went to Parqueo, had all the shots on the menu, and then went to take a walk to La Zona. I was sooo sick that day from mixing different types of alcohol that it would be a long time until I can see a shot glass the same way. We even saw an exposition about Duarte…indeed drunk people can’t articulate properly.
On Friday I went to Carmen Luisa, Ana Pa and Jose’s Farewell party at Ferro’s. I danced and had a good time, even got a chance of meeting with Rachel and Fito. After that I headed for the Elsa Party at Quintana. I danced with Tony, but left short after. When I was heading home I received a phone call, picked him up and took him back to La Zona. We walked a little and then ended up in Hard Rock Café. Nice music, good conversation and a dissertation on how proportional your tip must be according to the effort made by the waitress to smile at you and act perky….ours won $50.00, ‘cause she really tried hard.
On Saturday I had to work all day, and when I got home from a hard day’s labor, my sister tells me that they’ve planned a dancing celebration for Pepe’s wedding . We get ready, head out to Jet Set and when we get to pepe’s house to pick them up: surprise!! Not only where none of them three ready, the lovebirds refused to go. We had to take Jonathan back to the Hotel to change, so I dropped my sis at Jet Set. Headed for the Hotel, but right there Indiana calls and tells me she’s waiting at my house so we can both go to an Elsa party at Key West. I pick her up and we both accompany Johnny to the hotel. Once he is (finally) ready we head to the bar. The music was nice, the place really cool and I tried to show him how to dance reggueton. Other people where there, of the kind of: “ups, didn’t see you but I’ll still go on the opposite direction”. However, I think it was a juxtaposition of how the new replaces the old. After that I had to honor my promise to my sister and headed back to Jet Set. There I danced a couple of songs with Galvis, such a charming young man, and afterwards sat down and explained to Johnny all different types of dancing rhythms we have. He promised me he would learn to dance by the time he comes back. After that, and since there where no guys to dance with, we headed to la zona, where my sis took off to Atarazana and I took him to the infamous Parada 77. There wasn’t an ambiance at parada, so we sat on the back and talked, a lot, about a lot of things…and someone said something, and then someone blushed, and then things where written on the wall…and now a song from aventura will never be the same again, and I don’t care anymore If I have to carry the world on my shoulders, for they are very happy now.
On Sunday I had to work, so we agreed to get together, go to the theater and then to Cinema. A change of plans due to Zamudio’s disappearance ended on us at the Museum of Modern Art. It was amazing seeing all those painting and art forms and actually discussing each one of them, and talking about the artist perspectives on its art. Simply mind blowing and culturally orgasmic. After that we went to grab a bite ‘cause someone didn’t have lunch, so we ended in Cherokee. Yep, the best burger in town, period. It has been internationally acknowledged now. We talked a lot there, about marriage, family, cultural perspectives on life together, on mothers, and on how we see the future. After that we headed to the Malecon. Since it was closed we parked the car and walked by the seashore, talking about soo much and nothing at the same time. The see breeze can rust the hardest armors and expose a beating heart, no matter how broken it might be. And promises where made, and plans were tough of....but a plead and a question remained in the air unspoken.
After that I drove him to Pepe’s house to get something… we had a gravy and cheese French fries thing that was decent yet not so appealing. But it served the purpose of confirming that which was suspected : Time, the great provider of wisdom and maturity, has no space on teenager love. It made me take a mental note for a future evaluation of myself in several aspects, but specially to see how much of myself I would concede to put the Me behind the Us…..
After that I drove Jonathan back to his hotel, we talked a lot on the way there and when it came the time to say goodbye a question and a plead still remained, not quite unspoken but rephrased. We said goodbye, hugged each other and headed our own ways. I called him once I got home to tell him I ‘d arrived home safe (very crappy excuse) and to make him promise two things: that he would never give up on his dreams and that he would come back (to me) on x-mas. He promised the first, but only assured me of trying for the second. A part of me was disappointed, but then I realized that it is exactly what I would have done: you can’t promise things that you don’t control, but you can surely try to make them happen. And a little voice on the back of my head said that maybe I wouldn’t be home for x-mas…oh London, how deep in my heart have you stucked. We’ll keep in touch and time will tell, but in the mean time I can look back to my weekend every once in a while and realize that coincidences are non-existent, and everything has a purpose.
Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and think that it was all a dream…maybe once life sinks in things will just go back to the way they’ve always been, but now I have a little raindrop on my shoulder, a reason to see life from a different perspective and an open invitation to a Snow festival in Montreal.
PD: Even though my bubble burst and now the sea breeze will no longer fill my lungs, there are new reasons to look to life on a different perspective. I’ve waked you out of your coma, but you have returned the drums to my heart. Thank You. And don’t worry, the things we said will remain a secret. Scouts Honor.
Reflexiones sobre Purim
10-03-08
Gracia: Aquello que se da por amor, aunque quien lo recibe no lo merezca.
La historia del Purim Judio es la de la Reina Esther y Mordecai. Es una historia que da ejemplo de cómo Dios se manifiesta a traves de las “coincidencias”, de una persona que puede ser objeto del cambio e instrumento divino. De cómo Dios, invisible, se hace omnipresente.
Yanina hoy nos daba testimonio de como Dios siempre nos escucha. Nos recordaba lo afortunados que somos de que Dios nos oiga, en todo aquello que pedimos, y de que nos de respuestas, acertadas, precisas y en su justo momento. En lo personal siempre he sentido que puedo hablar con Dios. Que El me escucha, me consuela, me calma y me responde. Me he sentido bendecida muchas veces, por esas palabras de aliento, por esas epifanías, por las “coincidencias”….. aunque a veces se hace difícil escuchar su voz entre tanto ruido, es un ejercicio que lleva grandes beneficios. Y me río, cada vez que veo que El me responde, o cuando puedo al fin divisar sus intenciones. Cuando me doy cuenta de que soy como un niño ante su sabiduría y su poder…que lo imposible es tan simple para El.
Por eso trato de pedir todos los días el ser capaz no sólo de escuchar al Señor, sino de obedecerle, de imitarle…por que son tan grandes los beneficios, tantas las bendiciones que se reciben,.. pero es tan difícil…hasta mis debilidades son mas fuertes que yo y muchas veces no lo logro, pero lo intento todos los días, por que en algún momento lo lograré.
Tal vez no sea perfecta, pero nada me impide intentarlo… Tal vez no sea “consistente”, pero nada me evita el probar hasta encontrar…tal vez caiga muchas veces, pero nada me impide levantarme…tal vez mi vida no sea lo que quiero, pero se que es lo que necesito..soy 40kg de plata purisima en manos del mejor orfebre…nada me impide ser la joya mas hermosa….
Gracia: Aquello que se da por amor, aunque quien lo recibe no lo merezca.
La historia del Purim Judio es la de la Reina Esther y Mordecai. Es una historia que da ejemplo de cómo Dios se manifiesta a traves de las “coincidencias”, de una persona que puede ser objeto del cambio e instrumento divino. De cómo Dios, invisible, se hace omnipresente.
Yanina hoy nos daba testimonio de como Dios siempre nos escucha. Nos recordaba lo afortunados que somos de que Dios nos oiga, en todo aquello que pedimos, y de que nos de respuestas, acertadas, precisas y en su justo momento. En lo personal siempre he sentido que puedo hablar con Dios. Que El me escucha, me consuela, me calma y me responde. Me he sentido bendecida muchas veces, por esas palabras de aliento, por esas epifanías, por las “coincidencias”….. aunque a veces se hace difícil escuchar su voz entre tanto ruido, es un ejercicio que lleva grandes beneficios. Y me río, cada vez que veo que El me responde, o cuando puedo al fin divisar sus intenciones. Cuando me doy cuenta de que soy como un niño ante su sabiduría y su poder…que lo imposible es tan simple para El.
Por eso trato de pedir todos los días el ser capaz no sólo de escuchar al Señor, sino de obedecerle, de imitarle…por que son tan grandes los beneficios, tantas las bendiciones que se reciben,.. pero es tan difícil…hasta mis debilidades son mas fuertes que yo y muchas veces no lo logro, pero lo intento todos los días, por que en algún momento lo lograré.
Tal vez no sea perfecta, pero nada me impide intentarlo… Tal vez no sea “consistente”, pero nada me evita el probar hasta encontrar…tal vez caiga muchas veces, pero nada me impide levantarme…tal vez mi vida no sea lo que quiero, pero se que es lo que necesito..soy 40kg de plata purisima en manos del mejor orfebre…nada me impide ser la joya mas hermosa….
A letter to Menina
10-03-08
I called you today, and thanked you for all the sandwiches you’ve cooked for me. I know, it was dumb and probably confusing, but it had a purpose. I was thinking yesterday about all the stuff we’ve been through, the good the bad and the ugly. I remembered the secrets we shared, the all nighters we had to pull, our conversations about Germany and people living there, the nights at Parada, and it struck me just as it does everytime: what went wrong? Was it time? Was it life? Was it the people around us? What made us drift away as to be what we are today? We were friends back then, but now it doesn’t feel as so.
I must firstly apologise, ‘cause sometimes I believe I’ve failed you somehow. Maybe I wasn’t the coach you expected me to be, or I wasn’t the friend you needed. Maybe I wasn’t around most of the time, but truth is I do care a lot about what goes on with you. It hurted me a lot, more than I think you’ve realized, that you have compared me to what they did to you in DC. Remember that back then I stood up by you, just like I do now…I was there with you on that filthy lobby at 5 am, and I’ve stayed on your side ever since. We were friends before Jessup and I hope we will be still once this is over.
I know this time it has been harder that last year. Believe me, it has left some scars on me too. It takes a toll on all of us, and life itself isn’t any easier just because you have Jessup. There is still a lot of emotionally-draining stuff we have to deal with on our own, but I want you to remember that you are not alone, and if not me, there are others that care about you too.
I want to thank you again for all the sandwiches you’ve cooked, for the bed you shared, for the good music and book reviews, for listening, for being supportive, but most of all for putting up with me for so long. I really hope you put up with me for a lot more…
So, how about we put the misunderstandings and third parties behind and enjoy this, our last time on DC together? Soportas?
I called you today, and thanked you for all the sandwiches you’ve cooked for me. I know, it was dumb and probably confusing, but it had a purpose. I was thinking yesterday about all the stuff we’ve been through, the good the bad and the ugly. I remembered the secrets we shared, the all nighters we had to pull, our conversations about Germany and people living there, the nights at Parada, and it struck me just as it does everytime: what went wrong? Was it time? Was it life? Was it the people around us? What made us drift away as to be what we are today? We were friends back then, but now it doesn’t feel as so.
I must firstly apologise, ‘cause sometimes I believe I’ve failed you somehow. Maybe I wasn’t the coach you expected me to be, or I wasn’t the friend you needed. Maybe I wasn’t around most of the time, but truth is I do care a lot about what goes on with you. It hurted me a lot, more than I think you’ve realized, that you have compared me to what they did to you in DC. Remember that back then I stood up by you, just like I do now…I was there with you on that filthy lobby at 5 am, and I’ve stayed on your side ever since. We were friends before Jessup and I hope we will be still once this is over.
I know this time it has been harder that last year. Believe me, it has left some scars on me too. It takes a toll on all of us, and life itself isn’t any easier just because you have Jessup. There is still a lot of emotionally-draining stuff we have to deal with on our own, but I want you to remember that you are not alone, and if not me, there are others that care about you too.
I want to thank you again for all the sandwiches you’ve cooked, for the bed you shared, for the good music and book reviews, for listening, for being supportive, but most of all for putting up with me for so long. I really hope you put up with me for a lot more…
So, how about we put the misunderstandings and third parties behind and enjoy this, our last time on DC together? Soportas?
Inalcanzable – RBD
So, life has been kinda hectic (when isn’t it?). A lot has happened since last time I wrote, so I’ll try to squeeze everything in a couple (or dozen) paragraphs. Let’s begin……
Work related: Im underpayd. It is not even funny how poor I feel. I want to go to a Concert, in chavon nonetheless, but im seriously (and by that I mean cheapiously) thinking it over and over. I made a semi-budget, that isn’t anything but a list of expenses, and may I say…they are a lot!!. Rationally thinking, it’s only a months paycheck, but dammed!!!
Study related: im not any closer to London that I am from Dajabon…. There are no available dates to take the TOEFL here, nor in Santiago; there are no dates during my stay at DC and the closest thing is taking it in Puerto Rico, but for that I would have to buy a plane ticket, which would be like 500 bucks in total…. Get my point? Money, money, money….
I still haven’t finished my recommendation letters (MUST DO SO SOON!!!!), and I have to confirm if my papers are ready in the SEECYT. I haven’t translated my CV, and I haven’t even started with my statement of purpose…. Yes, I’m a procrastinator.
I called APEC, to inquire about that master with the French University, but its US$7,500…and the inscription is US$1,000.00…… which I don’t have right now…so, sayonara, Pantheon Assas – Paris II.
Jessup is doing ok, but im sooooooooooooo tired, that I feel just like last year: If it feels like this, then you know something is wrong. The only reason why im still here is for Aida, ‘cause I wouldn’t leave her with that bunch of Cuaimas on her own…. But, no trip to nowhere is enough to stand the things I’ve had to endure so far. I hate that faggot of Cuascu, I really do. He gets on my nerves, and he has the face to call himself coach, COACH!!! I, mean, seriously, if it wasn’t because I decided long ago that I wasn’t going to care I would be writing an email to the REAL coaches back in Europe and telling them all the pretty things I think about that little maricón. Really, I don’t have a problem with gay people, but he gets on my nerves like acid…
Im counting the days until Washington … just like last year (why do we always repeat our old mistakes?...) im waiting for the clarity of mind that only the space and the distance can provide, to try to figure out how im going to go…where, how, when,…trying to figure out how im supposed to live from now on, if im supposed to be an adult…jessup is the last “childish” and extracurricularly studiable thing.. no more competitions, no more coladic, just grown up stuff…maybe even less studying (uhmm…no studying….sounds tempting…) Its time to do whatever it is that grown ups do…get lots of debts and pay them (I think I managed that already..), get promoted or get a new job, work my ass off, get a car and get myself a scholarship to Europe….that’s about it…oh, yeah, a boyfriend….. but that I cant really do on my own…it takes two to tango….
Loneliness is a very faithful companion, my job is killing me and I cant avoid feeling stressed out the moment I walk through that door, my friends have drifted away in a very scary way…I know they’ll be there when I need them the most, but its right now, when I need them just a little more than usual, that their presence would be most appreciated… maybe im just needy, but I don’t really think anyone cares…
PD: im getting over you with the help of people around me, but it still pisses me off that you traded me for someone uglier and dumber… she is una yo en potencia, but fine, you can keep your selfconcious childish pet…..que te aproveche!!
Work related: Im underpayd. It is not even funny how poor I feel. I want to go to a Concert, in chavon nonetheless, but im seriously (and by that I mean cheapiously) thinking it over and over. I made a semi-budget, that isn’t anything but a list of expenses, and may I say…they are a lot!!. Rationally thinking, it’s only a months paycheck, but dammed!!!
Study related: im not any closer to London that I am from Dajabon…. There are no available dates to take the TOEFL here, nor in Santiago; there are no dates during my stay at DC and the closest thing is taking it in Puerto Rico, but for that I would have to buy a plane ticket, which would be like 500 bucks in total…. Get my point? Money, money, money….
I still haven’t finished my recommendation letters (MUST DO SO SOON!!!!), and I have to confirm if my papers are ready in the SEECYT. I haven’t translated my CV, and I haven’t even started with my statement of purpose…. Yes, I’m a procrastinator.
I called APEC, to inquire about that master with the French University, but its US$7,500…and the inscription is US$1,000.00…… which I don’t have right now…so, sayonara, Pantheon Assas – Paris II.
Jessup is doing ok, but im sooooooooooooo tired, that I feel just like last year: If it feels like this, then you know something is wrong. The only reason why im still here is for Aida, ‘cause I wouldn’t leave her with that bunch of Cuaimas on her own…. But, no trip to nowhere is enough to stand the things I’ve had to endure so far. I hate that faggot of Cuascu, I really do. He gets on my nerves, and he has the face to call himself coach, COACH!!! I, mean, seriously, if it wasn’t because I decided long ago that I wasn’t going to care I would be writing an email to the REAL coaches back in Europe and telling them all the pretty things I think about that little maricón. Really, I don’t have a problem with gay people, but he gets on my nerves like acid…
Im counting the days until Washington … just like last year (why do we always repeat our old mistakes?...) im waiting for the clarity of mind that only the space and the distance can provide, to try to figure out how im going to go…where, how, when,…trying to figure out how im supposed to live from now on, if im supposed to be an adult…jessup is the last “childish” and extracurricularly studiable thing.. no more competitions, no more coladic, just grown up stuff…maybe even less studying (uhmm…no studying….sounds tempting…) Its time to do whatever it is that grown ups do…get lots of debts and pay them (I think I managed that already..), get promoted or get a new job, work my ass off, get a car and get myself a scholarship to Europe….that’s about it…oh, yeah, a boyfriend….. but that I cant really do on my own…it takes two to tango….
Loneliness is a very faithful companion, my job is killing me and I cant avoid feeling stressed out the moment I walk through that door, my friends have drifted away in a very scary way…I know they’ll be there when I need them the most, but its right now, when I need them just a little more than usual, that their presence would be most appreciated… maybe im just needy, but I don’t really think anyone cares…
PD: im getting over you with the help of people around me, but it still pisses me off that you traded me for someone uglier and dumber… she is una yo en potencia, but fine, you can keep your selfconcious childish pet…..que te aproveche!!
Tu Nombre – Ricky Martin
01-02-08
Antes de soñar de nuevo, tengo que olvidarme de tus besos
I haven’t been writing lately [I repeat this a lot, I know…it sounds kind of apologetical] but for a different reason.. I’ve been having a lot of fun!! Last week was my graduation. It was awesome. So many things…tengo sangre de maco, wohoo!...the most important of all is that I have achieved the biggest challenge of all: to have true friends that stick to you in good times and bad; to surround myself by positive people who wish you the best and help you achieve it. I keep giving out that good karma, ‘cause I know that it comes back (at some point, sooner or latter).
Work related, I still have many doubts. Im learning a lot, and im starting do do lawyerish stuff...but the money is still bad. All my friends keep telling me to get a new job, but im not sure what to do. On top of that I still haven’t done anything for the LSE-IE…and it is very expensive…and Lilly is leaving in a week…..and my car is junk…and I don’t have a boyfriend...and im still not the prettiest crayon in the box…but the good thing is im getting over you, slowly and painfully, with several fallbacks, but firmly…im getting over you and that is at least one thing im achieving. Once a goal is achieved, the others will just keep coming.
It hurts less everyday…soon it wont hurt at all
Antes de soñar de nuevo, tengo que olvidarme de tus besos
I haven’t been writing lately [I repeat this a lot, I know…it sounds kind of apologetical] but for a different reason.. I’ve been having a lot of fun!! Last week was my graduation. It was awesome. So many things…tengo sangre de maco, wohoo!...the most important of all is that I have achieved the biggest challenge of all: to have true friends that stick to you in good times and bad; to surround myself by positive people who wish you the best and help you achieve it. I keep giving out that good karma, ‘cause I know that it comes back (at some point, sooner or latter).
Work related, I still have many doubts. Im learning a lot, and im starting do do lawyerish stuff...but the money is still bad. All my friends keep telling me to get a new job, but im not sure what to do. On top of that I still haven’t done anything for the LSE-IE…and it is very expensive…and Lilly is leaving in a week…..and my car is junk…and I don’t have a boyfriend...and im still not the prettiest crayon in the box…but the good thing is im getting over you, slowly and painfully, with several fallbacks, but firmly…im getting over you and that is at least one thing im achieving. Once a goal is achieved, the others will just keep coming.
It hurts less everyday…soon it wont hurt at all
If you are ready to ride, I’m ready to roll
01-02-08
In an intensive exercise of introspection, I look a little closer on the mirror of my life (at least the Jessup related part) that is Aida. She has so many potential, so many great assets, but the go down the drain thanks to the insecurities that have been planted on her head by none the less that the Cuaimas, no matter how many times she hears from sincere and honest people that she is good, it doesn’t really sinks in since she has the image of them telling her how ackward, and wrong and imperfect she is. But she is working, and little by little, and with the help of people like myself and my super-friends, she will come around to shine like the star we know she is.
And then I get to myself, the core of it all. I have realized since the beginning how similar both of our situations are. Sure, last year the tension wasn’t so strong. But last year I was almost certain that the coaches were on someone else’s side, (Enma at Coral’s, Amelia on Jimena’s and Altair on Erika’s) but not on mine. Unlike this time, I never had a coach tell me straight into my face that I had potential, on how much they believed in me…sure, they gave us several pep talks, but it was to the team, and never to me as an individual. I still believed that a little encouragement, a simple “ go get them tiger!” would have been enough to turn it 180 degrees.
Im trying to mend those mistakes, by assuring that Aida is in full knowledge of her capacities; of her strengths and weaknesses, of all the things that she is capable of achieving. At the end of the day, Jessup changed my life, for the better. I grew up as a person. I learned how to deal, not only with different and difficult persons, but also how to deal with myself in the most extreme of circumstances…how to move on when the only thing i had was my own voice telling me “ come on, move on, you can do it!”. How at the end of the day I was able to achieve great things for myself thanks to perseverance and effort, not to the opinion of others about me. I left Jessup with a more defined image of myself, build on my own, not imposed by others, and with the maturity and knowledge of oneself that comes after being to hell and back.
And if I could have just one wish for this year’s Jessup, if I could have only one thing, it wouldn’t be the Cup, it wouldn’t be to be on the top 24…it would be that Aida is capable of growing up, of maturing and rediscovering herself, and emerge from this a renewed person, a new self, stronger and wiser, knowing that there will not be anything she can’t achieve if she sets her mind on it; that a group of positive friends can help you get through anything, that once you set you eyes on something there is no reason to moving back, no matter what others might think or say… that at the end of the day, you are not awkward, or imperfect or incompetent….. you are the best damm thing. If im capable of getting this through her head then my mission would have been accomplished, even if we rank last.
In an intensive exercise of introspection, I look a little closer on the mirror of my life (at least the Jessup related part) that is Aida. She has so many potential, so many great assets, but the go down the drain thanks to the insecurities that have been planted on her head by none the less that the Cuaimas, no matter how many times she hears from sincere and honest people that she is good, it doesn’t really sinks in since she has the image of them telling her how ackward, and wrong and imperfect she is. But she is working, and little by little, and with the help of people like myself and my super-friends, she will come around to shine like the star we know she is.
And then I get to myself, the core of it all. I have realized since the beginning how similar both of our situations are. Sure, last year the tension wasn’t so strong. But last year I was almost certain that the coaches were on someone else’s side, (Enma at Coral’s, Amelia on Jimena’s and Altair on Erika’s) but not on mine. Unlike this time, I never had a coach tell me straight into my face that I had potential, on how much they believed in me…sure, they gave us several pep talks, but it was to the team, and never to me as an individual. I still believed that a little encouragement, a simple “ go get them tiger!” would have been enough to turn it 180 degrees.
Im trying to mend those mistakes, by assuring that Aida is in full knowledge of her capacities; of her strengths and weaknesses, of all the things that she is capable of achieving. At the end of the day, Jessup changed my life, for the better. I grew up as a person. I learned how to deal, not only with different and difficult persons, but also how to deal with myself in the most extreme of circumstances…how to move on when the only thing i had was my own voice telling me “ come on, move on, you can do it!”. How at the end of the day I was able to achieve great things for myself thanks to perseverance and effort, not to the opinion of others about me. I left Jessup with a more defined image of myself, build on my own, not imposed by others, and with the maturity and knowledge of oneself that comes after being to hell and back.
And if I could have just one wish for this year’s Jessup, if I could have only one thing, it wouldn’t be the Cup, it wouldn’t be to be on the top 24…it would be that Aida is capable of growing up, of maturing and rediscovering herself, and emerge from this a renewed person, a new self, stronger and wiser, knowing that there will not be anything she can’t achieve if she sets her mind on it; that a group of positive friends can help you get through anything, that once you set you eyes on something there is no reason to moving back, no matter what others might think or say… that at the end of the day, you are not awkward, or imperfect or incompetent….. you are the best damm thing. If im capable of getting this through her head then my mission would have been accomplished, even if we rank last.
Fast Car – Tracy Chapman
This year was supposed to bring a lot of good things…I really thought so.. I really wished so, but so far it aint going so well. And the worst part is that according to my friends [at leas Dd] its all my fault…its all a consequence of my actions, a direct response of all the karma I put out there….
So many things that could have been so good, great, maybe even amazing…have been reduced to plain “lets hope this doesn’t get any shittier than this”.. so many hopes, so many fingers crossed for nothing…I feel as if the world is turning on the opposite direction, and everything is crumbling on my hands…some sort of alter ego of Midas.. everything I touch turns into salt…..
I don’t even know what I want anymore…everything Is so confusing and out of my control…I fell like a puppet or like someone riding a rollercoaster that cant get off. Im in so much pain…physically , mentally and soully [again, I don’t know if that’s a word but it doesn’t matter] that is not even funny. Im blindfolded and walking on a cable.. I just wanna crawl under a rock and stay there.. but I don’t have the strength to stand up and no one is going to save me…….. I want to be alone, to see if I can find some answers, but im afraid that when I do ( if I ever) find them, I wont have anyone to come back to ……
Im crying out for help...why doesn’t anybody listens????
So many things that could have been so good, great, maybe even amazing…have been reduced to plain “lets hope this doesn’t get any shittier than this”.. so many hopes, so many fingers crossed for nothing…I feel as if the world is turning on the opposite direction, and everything is crumbling on my hands…some sort of alter ego of Midas.. everything I touch turns into salt…..
I don’t even know what I want anymore…everything Is so confusing and out of my control…I fell like a puppet or like someone riding a rollercoaster that cant get off. Im in so much pain…physically , mentally and soully [again, I don’t know if that’s a word but it doesn’t matter] that is not even funny. Im blindfolded and walking on a cable.. I just wanna crawl under a rock and stay there.. but I don’t have the strength to stand up and no one is going to save me…….. I want to be alone, to see if I can find some answers, but im afraid that when I do ( if I ever) find them, I wont have anyone to come back to ……
Im crying out for help...why doesn’t anybody listens????
The weakness in me – Melissa Etheridge
19 de enero, 2008. 1.25 am
It’s been a while since I wrote something…and is not because I didn’t have anything to say...i just had too much, and could let it all out without overflowing myself. This past week was very hectic (that’s kinda common these days I my life) I got to work late on Monday, I got my car crashed (a very nice way to start a Tuesday), I spent the whole Wednesday and thurday at the DGII (that’s the equivalent to the IRS…just as dreadful) and Friday on RTDN….ahm and Saturday (aka today) I had to work ‘til four,,,just to take home a batch of work that could only be compared to be writing the Respondent memorial all by myself… indeed, lovely.
To top this off, I have to deal with Indiana reminding me of all the great things that could or would’ve been happening in my life but aren’t… and I know she does it with the best of intentions, but to me is only nagging and a reminder of all the things I don’t have..not really what I need right now. I went to see a movie at Tony’s tonight. We saw the simpsons and an independent Spanish film called ”mouth to mouth” with Javier Bardem,,it was very funny, I got home to find that [oh, surprise] I was locked out again….this game is getting old,,,really old, really fast. Im so tired of these whole, im not a girl not yet a woman post-britney drama my parents are trying to push upon me …seriously, im not 12, dyslexic dumbassses, im 21…get used to the fact that I have a life of my own.
I didn’t even wanted to see my friends tonight…and that concerns me a lot. I didn’t wanted a whole new argument with my parents, as eventually happened tonight when I found the door locked from within with a pestillo… what the fuck was that all about??!! And second, and most importantly, I just didn’t fell like I wanted the company of my friends as a whole..i wanted [and still do] to talk to them separately, or maybe some talking among ourselves,,,but watching a movie was so, denialist [if that’s even a word]. I haven’t seem them in so long, I haven’t talked to most of them, almost all know that im not doing so well, but we’ll sit down, stare at a shiny screen and just let time go by…..at least it wasn’t Fantastic Four.
I really need to know if this is just a blue moon or if its serious business. But its just that right now I don’t really appreciate the whole, couple ‘n friends bonding time…Dd, Violeta and I were the only single ones and it was kinda uncomfortable at times [at least for me] since I would look around and all I’ll see is cuddling, and no my friend, there;s none of that coming my way anytime soon. And if Dd reads this, she would say “I don’t have a boyfriend either and you don’t see me complaining”” O sea, seriously??!!... Yes D, you might not be complaining, but I have the right to feel the dammed way I want or just plainly and irrationally do, and that’s the deal: couples are not good company right now…people nagging me is not good company … no member of my family is good company….im not good company for myself….
It’s been a while since I wrote something…and is not because I didn’t have anything to say...i just had too much, and could let it all out without overflowing myself. This past week was very hectic (that’s kinda common these days I my life) I got to work late on Monday, I got my car crashed (a very nice way to start a Tuesday), I spent the whole Wednesday and thurday at the DGII (that’s the equivalent to the IRS…just as dreadful) and Friday on RTDN….ahm and Saturday (aka today) I had to work ‘til four,,,just to take home a batch of work that could only be compared to be writing the Respondent memorial all by myself… indeed, lovely.
To top this off, I have to deal with Indiana reminding me of all the great things that could or would’ve been happening in my life but aren’t… and I know she does it with the best of intentions, but to me is only nagging and a reminder of all the things I don’t have..not really what I need right now. I went to see a movie at Tony’s tonight. We saw the simpsons and an independent Spanish film called ”mouth to mouth” with Javier Bardem,,it was very funny, I got home to find that [oh, surprise] I was locked out again….this game is getting old,,,really old, really fast. Im so tired of these whole, im not a girl not yet a woman post-britney drama my parents are trying to push upon me …seriously, im not 12, dyslexic dumbassses, im 21…get used to the fact that I have a life of my own.
I didn’t even wanted to see my friends tonight…and that concerns me a lot. I didn’t wanted a whole new argument with my parents, as eventually happened tonight when I found the door locked from within with a pestillo… what the fuck was that all about??!! And second, and most importantly, I just didn’t fell like I wanted the company of my friends as a whole..i wanted [and still do] to talk to them separately, or maybe some talking among ourselves,,,but watching a movie was so, denialist [if that’s even a word]. I haven’t seem them in so long, I haven’t talked to most of them, almost all know that im not doing so well, but we’ll sit down, stare at a shiny screen and just let time go by…..at least it wasn’t Fantastic Four.
I really need to know if this is just a blue moon or if its serious business. But its just that right now I don’t really appreciate the whole, couple ‘n friends bonding time…Dd, Violeta and I were the only single ones and it was kinda uncomfortable at times [at least for me] since I would look around and all I’ll see is cuddling, and no my friend, there;s none of that coming my way anytime soon. And if Dd reads this, she would say “I don’t have a boyfriend either and you don’t see me complaining”” O sea, seriously??!!... Yes D, you might not be complaining, but I have the right to feel the dammed way I want or just plainly and irrationally do, and that’s the deal: couples are not good company right now…people nagging me is not good company … no member of my family is good company….im not good company for myself….
Scars – Missy Higgins
03-01-08
So, I haven’t blogged a lot lately…not at all actually. I have been unconsciously avoiding it… too much stuff in my head. I received a message from Milan..Theo must be still on vacations..Jessup is doing good, but im almost certain Unibe is gonna be a tough cookie, not because they are good [I believe we are better] but because of their coaches….on the other hand, my team an I are getting along very well... We are working a lot… I’m working a lot at PH too…trying to “raise the corporate ladder”…its exhausting I know, and some people are starting to realize im different…some say im more passive..”serena”…I call it tiredness…stress...exhaustion and a bit of hopelessness….
.
I haven’t talked to many of my friends lately… Noe and Yruma are officially a couple, they got together on new year’s eve [very classical actually]..Johnny and I are spending a lot of time together lately…the excuse is to watch anime, but I know [or at least its my part of the truth] that is just that we miss each other’s company…the unjudgmental company of a true friend…. Lilly has been working a lot, and I unconsciously, try to live without her just so I don’t feel it so much when she leaves…im going to miss her sooo much…she was there everytime I got fed up of people…and I know that used to be indiana’s place..but lately, for one reason or the other, she has becomed one of “those people”, so lilly was the perfect outlet for all my frustrations…. I have many mixed emotions about it…so many things I’d like to say… I feel like Jenny or Dana….
I talked to Indiana today…we had an argument [ Tony’s surgery was today and she intended to tell me so today but I though she was just mad because nobody told her he was getting a surgery…turns out I didn’t know the surgery was today, so she called me to ask me why hadn’t I called him, to which I answer that I didn’t know…and so on]. We both agreed that our relationship has turned sour...that for some reason we only argued with each other..that we don’t just talk or see each other …I putted it out there: I miss my best friend..i feel like a stranded boat in the middle of the pacific without her..she is my anchore and ligh…but apparenty I managed to fed her up and she is tired of me..next thing I know Noe will become her best friend and I will work 12 hours a day just to fill up all my free time…how promising :s
I miss school {shh…don’t tell anybody ;)] just because it gave me an excuse to see my friends so often, and it made it so easy just to be with them…no subject or agenda for the meetings…just chilling with my peeps…
I refuse to live in the past, for im embracing the awesome things that the future [ this new year] is bringing me. Im going to be someone better, improved from the inside out…im shredding my old life like skin…. I’m Aiming Higher, Trying Harder ….
Today I stared at my fingernails...its been a while since I didn’t do it..it means a storm is coming from the inside out, changes are happening…it means maybe this time it wont be resolutions: they will become results….
So, I haven’t blogged a lot lately…not at all actually. I have been unconsciously avoiding it… too much stuff in my head. I received a message from Milan..Theo must be still on vacations..Jessup is doing good, but im almost certain Unibe is gonna be a tough cookie, not because they are good [I believe we are better] but because of their coaches….on the other hand, my team an I are getting along very well... We are working a lot… I’m working a lot at PH too…trying to “raise the corporate ladder”…its exhausting I know, and some people are starting to realize im different…some say im more passive..”serena”…I call it tiredness…stress...exhaustion and a bit of hopelessness….
.
I haven’t talked to many of my friends lately… Noe and Yruma are officially a couple, they got together on new year’s eve [very classical actually]..Johnny and I are spending a lot of time together lately…the excuse is to watch anime, but I know [or at least its my part of the truth] that is just that we miss each other’s company…the unjudgmental company of a true friend…. Lilly has been working a lot, and I unconsciously, try to live without her just so I don’t feel it so much when she leaves…im going to miss her sooo much…she was there everytime I got fed up of people…and I know that used to be indiana’s place..but lately, for one reason or the other, she has becomed one of “those people”, so lilly was the perfect outlet for all my frustrations…. I have many mixed emotions about it…so many things I’d like to say… I feel like Jenny or Dana….
I talked to Indiana today…we had an argument [ Tony’s surgery was today and she intended to tell me so today but I though she was just mad because nobody told her he was getting a surgery…turns out I didn’t know the surgery was today, so she called me to ask me why hadn’t I called him, to which I answer that I didn’t know…and so on]. We both agreed that our relationship has turned sour...that for some reason we only argued with each other..that we don’t just talk or see each other …I putted it out there: I miss my best friend..i feel like a stranded boat in the middle of the pacific without her..she is my anchore and ligh…but apparenty I managed to fed her up and she is tired of me..next thing I know Noe will become her best friend and I will work 12 hours a day just to fill up all my free time…how promising :s
I miss school {shh…don’t tell anybody ;)] just because it gave me an excuse to see my friends so often, and it made it so easy just to be with them…no subject or agenda for the meetings…just chilling with my peeps…
I refuse to live in the past, for im embracing the awesome things that the future [ this new year] is bringing me. Im going to be someone better, improved from the inside out…im shredding my old life like skin…. I’m Aiming Higher, Trying Harder ….
Today I stared at my fingernails...its been a while since I didn’t do it..it means a storm is coming from the inside out, changes are happening…it means maybe this time it wont be resolutions: they will become results….
Message to Myself – Melissa Etheridge
Dic. 28, 2007.
Im sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I would know that I am fine
I would know that I am strong
So, I’ve been delaying this a lot…a really lot. i didn’t want to write (again) about sad and depressing things, I refuse to feel miserable anymore. But its hard to do so in my present state of mind. This last days have been kinda rough.. the holidays, without my uncle and with my family on the state we are, without my friends (in a sort of way), and without a boyfriend (again). Loads of work, but I don’t feel like a very good employee lately [I actually feel underpaid…lets hope that after 360 I don’t have to feel that way..]
Today was my last day (for this year) at the office. We had a little prayer where everyone said their wishes for the new year.. I was very cliché: health and union in my family, progress in my work and that next year by this time im in Europe…but really what I want for next year is to get my scholarship so I can go to Europe for my Masters; that they promote me to Abogado Traine/ junior; that I can finally get along with my parents; that I can learn to save money and be debt free; that we win the nationals and are able to go to Washington and do good, a boyfriend. And no, im not being crazy or desperate..its just that the lack of it makes my life disbalanced…i have to replace that energy in something else, and right now I don’t have anything else. All my friends are doing their lifes independly, and I cant blame them..they are paying attention to their relationships..which is exactly what I would be doing if a had one.
Today was also Anthony’s B-Day. We went to a Karaoke Bar, kinda funky and spent some good time with the people we treasure. It wasn’t the best, but it was pretty good …I danced a little, but I would have rather danced at Parada , we were apart so I didn’t talk much, and I had to seat next to la pareja del momento, … don’t get me wrong, im not being bitter, but my shreading-my-old-life-like-skin process took a painfull acceleration today…specially after Amaury’s performance of “Stuck in a moment” by u2…im stuck in that moment, but I need to move on…he has, so I must do the same. I felt like he was telling me, ME, to get myself together and move on with my life…and I will, that’s precisely what im doing. Just that it takes time to gather the courage to start from scratch….
I told Indiana that maybe the reason is that I haven’t cried about it..i usually never cry, except when its out of anger...but for this, for all of this, I think I should force my heart to get it all out before it becomes a tumor. To cry my eyes and my heart out…to cry for everything... for him, for my GPA, for my uncle, for my moving-out plans, for the mother my mom will never be, for my broken dreams, for the things that were but are no more, for the things that could have been….for everything. I don’t want to be sad anymore...i don’t want to be bitter…I don’t want to be lonely no more…..
I wish so much for this New Year… i wish it grants me wisdom and serenity…that it provides me with choices and opportunities.. that it allows me to achieve my goals…but most importantly that it allows me to live it up to the very end…..
Love is what you get when love is what you speak…
Im sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I would know that I am fine
I would know that I am strong
So, I’ve been delaying this a lot…a really lot. i didn’t want to write (again) about sad and depressing things, I refuse to feel miserable anymore. But its hard to do so in my present state of mind. This last days have been kinda rough.. the holidays, without my uncle and with my family on the state we are, without my friends (in a sort of way), and without a boyfriend (again). Loads of work, but I don’t feel like a very good employee lately [I actually feel underpaid…lets hope that after 360 I don’t have to feel that way..]
Today was my last day (for this year) at the office. We had a little prayer where everyone said their wishes for the new year.. I was very cliché: health and union in my family, progress in my work and that next year by this time im in Europe…but really what I want for next year is to get my scholarship so I can go to Europe for my Masters; that they promote me to Abogado Traine/ junior; that I can finally get along with my parents; that I can learn to save money and be debt free; that we win the nationals and are able to go to Washington and do good, a boyfriend. And no, im not being crazy or desperate..its just that the lack of it makes my life disbalanced…i have to replace that energy in something else, and right now I don’t have anything else. All my friends are doing their lifes independly, and I cant blame them..they are paying attention to their relationships..which is exactly what I would be doing if a had one.
Today was also Anthony’s B-Day. We went to a Karaoke Bar, kinda funky and spent some good time with the people we treasure. It wasn’t the best, but it was pretty good …I danced a little, but I would have rather danced at Parada , we were apart so I didn’t talk much, and I had to seat next to la pareja del momento, … don’t get me wrong, im not being bitter, but my shreading-my-old-life-like-skin process took a painfull acceleration today…specially after Amaury’s performance of “Stuck in a moment” by u2…im stuck in that moment, but I need to move on…he has, so I must do the same. I felt like he was telling me, ME, to get myself together and move on with my life…and I will, that’s precisely what im doing. Just that it takes time to gather the courage to start from scratch….
I told Indiana that maybe the reason is that I haven’t cried about it..i usually never cry, except when its out of anger...but for this, for all of this, I think I should force my heart to get it all out before it becomes a tumor. To cry my eyes and my heart out…to cry for everything... for him, for my GPA, for my uncle, for my moving-out plans, for the mother my mom will never be, for my broken dreams, for the things that were but are no more, for the things that could have been….for everything. I don’t want to be sad anymore...i don’t want to be bitter…I don’t want to be lonely no more…..
I wish so much for this New Year… i wish it grants me wisdom and serenity…that it provides me with choices and opportunities.. that it allows me to achieve my goals…but most importantly that it allows me to live it up to the very end…..
Love is what you get when love is what you speak…
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