Y. I miss you. An awful lot actually. But I don’t really miss you; I miss the you I wanted you to be, the one that existed on my head. The one I loved, the one I hated, the one I made excuses for…him, I miss a lot. So much it hurts sometimes. But the you that you really are, or at least the one you pretend to be, I don’t love. I barely like him actually. Your impersonal persona, the “I don’t give a damm”, the “I have a life outside this”, him I don’t like. I placed so many hopes on you, and I know it was wrong, that it was my fault, so I take the blame… but it doesn’t make it any easier. And maybe all I am is angry, ‘cause all I want is to be in your arms, even if its all a lie, a circus charade we pretend to each other… I want to feel the way it feels when you touch me, when you kiss me, when I actually believe you give a damm about me. But you won’t, and I cant put myself through it again. I want the real thing, the commitment, and until then….. I’ll keep pretending I’m ok.

VI.
All I have is what I am,
and what I am I give to you
Unrestricted, unashamed
No strings attached
Mind, body and soul,
All I give to you my love
Just for you to take for free
As long as you take and love
The me that I am,
But you don’t, so I wont
And I leave and you go
And it ends
As we pretend
That it's all ok
And that we can still be friends
But a friend won’t break your heart
That is the truth, the one I know
And that is why
I’ll save them all
My mind, body and soul
For someone who is willing
To risk himself for love.