La vida despues de ti - LU

25 Noviembre

♪ Diré que esto no esta matándome…pero eso no es cierto ♪

This weekend has been TERRIBLE. And I mean it. The week was kinda hectic at work. i was loaded and almost pulling my hair out. On Friday we had the “diablito” and I believe Petra knows im her angelito, not that I care much really, but still it kinda ruins the surprise. I had so much work left from Jose I even had a nightmare about it on friday. That’s why I went to work on Saturday…. I felt like I was a slave, but more like a slave of my conscience and sense of responsibility. I was planning on going to Shirley’s party that night and just unwind for a while… i really needed that [and still do]. I even talked to Amaury [big mistake]. I dislike sooooo much, ok, I HATE, when he behaves so cheerfully for other people, like he was thrilled to dress up as a Pimp for Grace’s party [please insert nauseated face ] specially knowing how he wasn’t, up until the last minute, going to my party. That day I was surprised, ‘cause I didn’t begged him that time, clinging to my last shred of self respect. And then everyone was going to her party, and I reeeally dislike her. I don’t know her, and I don’t wanna…plain and simple, I don’t have to like everyone, and everybody doesn’t have to like me… I hate her guts just for the little of her I know…and im planning on keeping it that way thank you….

And then my mother [insert all sorts of hurtful insults] gave a bunch of BS, on how I was planning on spending every free minute I had partying, how I had spent the whole day out at the beach last weekend, how I had spent all week working and that I should rest instead of partying [??? WTF??? seriously???], and how the door closed at ten and I had to be inside if I wanted to sleep in the house. I was [still am] so pissed I just wanted to cry out of anger, and I couldn’t…as usual. I just went to bed and stayed there, trying to fall asleep, to cry, to die...anything.

I woke up today with the same mood. I had a headache, so I took a lot of pills…i secretly wanted to die, or at least to sleep forever…but it didn’t work out that way. So I woke up like at ten, and I started watching tv…and I kept doing so until lunch time. At that point I took a shower, got dressed and went grocery shopping with my sister. I bought Shirley a present, a flower base, and some sweets for my Jessup girls. I came home, had a sandwich [cause they forgot to cook enough food for everyone and I had to “donate” mine to the lady that cleans the house] and run for the meeting. It was at the school library, and it was pretty ok. I discussed the argument with Aida, and we wrote a lot, and we were kinda on the same page, so that was very nice. Mena said she would send me dennisse’s, and I would read her’s once she is more advanced. Afterwards I went to pick a book from Amaury at the BC Club. He was playing soccer, and dammed he looked good [dammit, dammit, dammit], so I get the book, not even a friendly hug from him [ I don’t even remember if we shook hands] and when im almost leaving I realize I left the keys inside the car…again. It has happened so many times its not even funny. So I call Tony, he was at Joe’s, and they came with Mandy to pick me up. We went to my house, got the spare key, and then back to the club to retrieve my car. After that we went to Violeta’s to get a board game and to get some ice cream. When we get to joe’s , Tony and I got ourselves some beers, and we just sat down to talk some crap [on how all of our mothers are crazy, but mine’s just a bitch] and to watch “Mozart and the whale”, an old Josh Harnett movie, kinda cute, very slow and at some pints boring, but sweet. I had to leave before it was over ‘cause I had to be home before ten, and so I was… and I set up the tv and watch some videos, and then it happens “suenos rotos” from la 5ta estacion…that song is our song, even if you’d never know.

Like indi said…. It’s just too much. So many bottled up feelings, so many things that are left unsaid, so many secrets….. I wish I could scream it out loud…so loud that everyone would hear it, just to see if anybody would help or provide an answer. I LOVE YOU, even if you don’t deserve it, against my will, and in a most stupid, primitive and reasonless way, I do. I hate it that you can move on so easily, ‘cause I haven’t been able to. Apparently I’m disposable. IM TIRED OF BEING ALONE, why is it that all the men in my life look everywhere for the perfect woman in their life, and im sitting right in front of them, but they don’t notice me, it’s like im invisible. I HATE LIVING IN MY HOUSE. This place resemblance more of Auschwits than a home. I want to move out, even if I have to eat only beans for a month to afford my electricity bill, I want, I need, a place of my own… I cant postpone it a moment more…. IM SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS. I need to go abroad, somewhere to start from scratch, I need to move on with my life, from you, I need to get back to my ten year plan, my five year plan, my one year plan, anything that is not living on daily plans, cause im tired, physically and emotionally, and im jaded and all I want to do is drown myself on the ocean, or to escape this nightmare of mine….anything but living this thing . im sick, im tired, Im sickentired of this shit...i need something else, fast, ‘cause I don’t know how long I can hold on.


And still, so many thing have been left unsaid…..

Quiero olvidar que algún día me hiciste feliz,
Pero es inútil fingir, no puedo vivir sin ti