Kisiera yo saber

Nov. 9

Ok, first of all I must admit: im kinda drunk. Which actually sucks , ‘cause I was a hell of a good drinker, but lately I have a couple of drinks and I can’t walk straight . I don’t do anything embarrassing, I don’t pass out, I don’t throw up or anything like that; I have some trouble walking in straight line, being articulate and keeping my eyes open. I laugh a lot and say a lot of funny things but start laughing before I even finish the story. Those things aside I’m a pretty decent drunk.

Getting that out, I have to warn you that under this conditions my writing might not be very coherent, but who cares anyway? Ok, here’s the thing: Today was kinda crappy. It wasn’t bad, not at all. If you ask me, I can’t point my finger on a single bad thing, but being the drama addict I am , it was kinda crappy. My job was stressful; for a moment or two I thought I lost it but I managed to get out of there on one piece and not being fired. I got home and had a loooooooong talk with my dad [now he kinda knows im moving out but not really] about my brother; I went out with Joe, Tony, Mandy and Vi. Dd was very pissed ‘cause we all blew off her plans for the movies…I don’t really mind. I wasn’t going to the movies and going out today wasn’t even o my plans…my plan was getting home, dinner and bed ‘cause im really tired, but then again, when have I resisted an invitation to drink from Tony?? so we went out to have empanadas…laughed a lot and talked about canceled sit coms. Then we went to buy drinks and got a Vanilla Rum [very good, but it was Bacardi so I know tomorrow I will have a hell of a hang over]. We went to the Sea Shore [ El Malecon] and after many discussion we ended up in el parquecito. We had our drinks, Mandy and Joe danced, we laughed and criticized. Tony was trying to get me to tell him who was the one from that post about Aunque es falso el aire, siento que respiro…which I never posted on the blog he doesn’t even know I have…turns out he was just guessing and hit right on the spot. I didn’t tell him, ‘cause I know two things for sure: he would tell joe inmediatly [who would tell mandy and Vi and then tease me about It forever] and he would judge me for it, which I wont accept. My stuff is mine unless its ours.

After being visited by very peculiar characters we headed for the best antro de perdicion : Parada 77. We danced for like half an hour and then headed home. I got here at 2.30 everyone sleeping [jijijiiji]. But I couldn’t resist the urge to write for one reason: I must let out somewhere what I was thinking all the way to my house: how I envy those motherfuckers!. They look so happy together, they are giggly and wiggly, and hold hands, and Tony [someone I thought to be so cold] holds his hands, and pulls him over for kisses in almost every traffic light; and even thought I know things are not pretty pink nor perfect, none of them can deny the fact that it feels good dammit, it feels really good to be on that stage. It’s like being high, drunk and orgasming...all at the same time and on a semi-permanent state.

And I remembered the good times; ‘cause the good ones where very good, no complains. But the bad ones, the lonely ones…they are killing me softly, slowly and painfully. And its not even about you…well it is but you know what I mean….i said I could handle this, I said I could take It like a big girl, so now I must suck it up and pretend Im strong. I must act like the civilized person everyone thinks I am. At the end I guess the worst part is Joe was right, I was lying to myself. But then again, who wouldn’t choose this beautiful lie over the cruel reality that was my life [or still is now that you are gone].

I want someone to hold my hand, someone to kiss me on traffic lights, to share jokes and looks…even if It isn’t you, I don’t mind…just someone…its just that you did it so right that whenever I try moving on I see your reflection in front of my, and all my will power disappears, and all my strength goes to waste, and everything that was is there again…and I go back to being alone. But im holding on to my last shred of dignity and self respect…not working for much, but any excuse is good enough if it helps me make it through another day without you.