La vida despues de ti - LU

25 Noviembre

♪ Diré que esto no esta matándome…pero eso no es cierto ♪

This weekend has been TERRIBLE. And I mean it. The week was kinda hectic at work. i was loaded and almost pulling my hair out. On Friday we had the “diablito” and I believe Petra knows im her angelito, not that I care much really, but still it kinda ruins the surprise. I had so much work left from Jose I even had a nightmare about it on friday. That’s why I went to work on Saturday…. I felt like I was a slave, but more like a slave of my conscience and sense of responsibility. I was planning on going to Shirley’s party that night and just unwind for a while… i really needed that [and still do]. I even talked to Amaury [big mistake]. I dislike sooooo much, ok, I HATE, when he behaves so cheerfully for other people, like he was thrilled to dress up as a Pimp for Grace’s party [please insert nauseated face ] specially knowing how he wasn’t, up until the last minute, going to my party. That day I was surprised, ‘cause I didn’t begged him that time, clinging to my last shred of self respect. And then everyone was going to her party, and I reeeally dislike her. I don’t know her, and I don’t wanna…plain and simple, I don’t have to like everyone, and everybody doesn’t have to like me… I hate her guts just for the little of her I know…and im planning on keeping it that way thank you….

And then my mother [insert all sorts of hurtful insults] gave a bunch of BS, on how I was planning on spending every free minute I had partying, how I had spent the whole day out at the beach last weekend, how I had spent all week working and that I should rest instead of partying [??? WTF??? seriously???], and how the door closed at ten and I had to be inside if I wanted to sleep in the house. I was [still am] so pissed I just wanted to cry out of anger, and I couldn’t…as usual. I just went to bed and stayed there, trying to fall asleep, to cry, to die...anything.

I woke up today with the same mood. I had a headache, so I took a lot of pills…i secretly wanted to die, or at least to sleep forever…but it didn’t work out that way. So I woke up like at ten, and I started watching tv…and I kept doing so until lunch time. At that point I took a shower, got dressed and went grocery shopping with my sister. I bought Shirley a present, a flower base, and some sweets for my Jessup girls. I came home, had a sandwich [cause they forgot to cook enough food for everyone and I had to “donate” mine to the lady that cleans the house] and run for the meeting. It was at the school library, and it was pretty ok. I discussed the argument with Aida, and we wrote a lot, and we were kinda on the same page, so that was very nice. Mena said she would send me dennisse’s, and I would read her’s once she is more advanced. Afterwards I went to pick a book from Amaury at the BC Club. He was playing soccer, and dammed he looked good [dammit, dammit, dammit], so I get the book, not even a friendly hug from him [ I don’t even remember if we shook hands] and when im almost leaving I realize I left the keys inside the car…again. It has happened so many times its not even funny. So I call Tony, he was at Joe’s, and they came with Mandy to pick me up. We went to my house, got the spare key, and then back to the club to retrieve my car. After that we went to Violeta’s to get a board game and to get some ice cream. When we get to joe’s , Tony and I got ourselves some beers, and we just sat down to talk some crap [on how all of our mothers are crazy, but mine’s just a bitch] and to watch “Mozart and the whale”, an old Josh Harnett movie, kinda cute, very slow and at some pints boring, but sweet. I had to leave before it was over ‘cause I had to be home before ten, and so I was… and I set up the tv and watch some videos, and then it happens “suenos rotos” from la 5ta estacion…that song is our song, even if you’d never know.

Like indi said…. It’s just too much. So many bottled up feelings, so many things that are left unsaid, so many secrets….. I wish I could scream it out loud…so loud that everyone would hear it, just to see if anybody would help or provide an answer. I LOVE YOU, even if you don’t deserve it, against my will, and in a most stupid, primitive and reasonless way, I do. I hate it that you can move on so easily, ‘cause I haven’t been able to. Apparently I’m disposable. IM TIRED OF BEING ALONE, why is it that all the men in my life look everywhere for the perfect woman in their life, and im sitting right in front of them, but they don’t notice me, it’s like im invisible. I HATE LIVING IN MY HOUSE. This place resemblance more of Auschwits than a home. I want to move out, even if I have to eat only beans for a month to afford my electricity bill, I want, I need, a place of my own… I cant postpone it a moment more…. IM SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS. I need to go abroad, somewhere to start from scratch, I need to move on with my life, from you, I need to get back to my ten year plan, my five year plan, my one year plan, anything that is not living on daily plans, cause im tired, physically and emotionally, and im jaded and all I want to do is drown myself on the ocean, or to escape this nightmare of mine….anything but living this thing . im sick, im tired, Im sickentired of this shit...i need something else, fast, ‘cause I don’t know how long I can hold on.


And still, so many thing have been left unsaid…..

Quiero olvidar que algún día me hiciste feliz,
Pero es inútil fingir, no puedo vivir sin ti

Kisiera yo saber

Nov. 9

Ok, first of all I must admit: im kinda drunk. Which actually sucks , ‘cause I was a hell of a good drinker, but lately I have a couple of drinks and I can’t walk straight . I don’t do anything embarrassing, I don’t pass out, I don’t throw up or anything like that; I have some trouble walking in straight line, being articulate and keeping my eyes open. I laugh a lot and say a lot of funny things but start laughing before I even finish the story. Those things aside I’m a pretty decent drunk.

Getting that out, I have to warn you that under this conditions my writing might not be very coherent, but who cares anyway? Ok, here’s the thing: Today was kinda crappy. It wasn’t bad, not at all. If you ask me, I can’t point my finger on a single bad thing, but being the drama addict I am , it was kinda crappy. My job was stressful; for a moment or two I thought I lost it but I managed to get out of there on one piece and not being fired. I got home and had a loooooooong talk with my dad [now he kinda knows im moving out but not really] about my brother; I went out with Joe, Tony, Mandy and Vi. Dd was very pissed ‘cause we all blew off her plans for the movies…I don’t really mind. I wasn’t going to the movies and going out today wasn’t even o my plans…my plan was getting home, dinner and bed ‘cause im really tired, but then again, when have I resisted an invitation to drink from Tony?? so we went out to have empanadas…laughed a lot and talked about canceled sit coms. Then we went to buy drinks and got a Vanilla Rum [very good, but it was Bacardi so I know tomorrow I will have a hell of a hang over]. We went to the Sea Shore [ El Malecon] and after many discussion we ended up in el parquecito. We had our drinks, Mandy and Joe danced, we laughed and criticized. Tony was trying to get me to tell him who was the one from that post about Aunque es falso el aire, siento que respiro…which I never posted on the blog he doesn’t even know I have…turns out he was just guessing and hit right on the spot. I didn’t tell him, ‘cause I know two things for sure: he would tell joe inmediatly [who would tell mandy and Vi and then tease me about It forever] and he would judge me for it, which I wont accept. My stuff is mine unless its ours.

After being visited by very peculiar characters we headed for the best antro de perdicion : Parada 77. We danced for like half an hour and then headed home. I got here at 2.30 everyone sleeping [jijijiiji]. But I couldn’t resist the urge to write for one reason: I must let out somewhere what I was thinking all the way to my house: how I envy those motherfuckers!. They look so happy together, they are giggly and wiggly, and hold hands, and Tony [someone I thought to be so cold] holds his hands, and pulls him over for kisses in almost every traffic light; and even thought I know things are not pretty pink nor perfect, none of them can deny the fact that it feels good dammit, it feels really good to be on that stage. It’s like being high, drunk and orgasming...all at the same time and on a semi-permanent state.

And I remembered the good times; ‘cause the good ones where very good, no complains. But the bad ones, the lonely ones…they are killing me softly, slowly and painfully. And its not even about you…well it is but you know what I mean….i said I could handle this, I said I could take It like a big girl, so now I must suck it up and pretend Im strong. I must act like the civilized person everyone thinks I am. At the end I guess the worst part is Joe was right, I was lying to myself. But then again, who wouldn’t choose this beautiful lie over the cruel reality that was my life [or still is now that you are gone].

I want someone to hold my hand, someone to kiss me on traffic lights, to share jokes and looks…even if It isn’t you, I don’t mind…just someone…its just that you did it so right that whenever I try moving on I see your reflection in front of my, and all my will power disappears, and all my strength goes to waste, and everything that was is there again…and I go back to being alone. But im holding on to my last shred of dignity and self respect…not working for much, but any excuse is good enough if it helps me make it through another day without you.

Bang, Bang [My baby shot me down]

There is nothing worst than drinking with a broken heart. I know that now. I was so drunk on Friday it wasn’t even funny, [it must have been hilarious for my friends but not for me]. It was a very twisted way of bidding farewell to what we had. It’s gone, said and done. We’ll still be friends [I hope] but it will take a while, so please be patient. I promise to do my best at not making you uncomfortable, but you have to understand it’s not that easy. There so much baggage I have to deal with, and I must do it all by myself. So please be patient, I promise I’ll be back, better than ever….just wait and see.

Now he’s gone, I don’t know why … he didn’t even said goodbye, he didn’t take the time to lie.

Cold Water

Dd is sad, she still can’t get over the J situation. She said it was too much and I believe her. And no matter how much I apologize, she will never understand what I mean: Im sorry, I really am. I can’t help but wonder why is it that she is always in need of me in the exact moment that I lock myself within me; on the days that I exclude myself from the world in order to calm the voices on my head… I think it must be bad coordination, but she doesn’t see it that way, she feels I abandon her consciously and purposely. Babe, I don’t, please believe me. There is nothing more important for me than being there for you...but sometimes I just need to stand back, breathe in and close my eyes….. block out everything and everyone so I can listen to myself, and look for answers or revelations from within.

Cold water surrounds me now, and all I’ve got is your hand….

Amie

You know when you’ve found it, there’s something I know,
‘cause you feel it when they take it away.

Im back at Damien Rice mode…I stayed out for long, but the good son always returns home. So im back…sooner than I thought, but here nonetheless. And I hope is not for long, but I wont mind every minute I spend here. Life will go on, I will wake up everyday, and go to work and joke around, and call my friends….but at the bottom of my smile the will be the aftermath of sorrow, and in those dreadful silent moments when I let down my guard, those horrible thoughts will come back and haunt me. And for a moment or two my heart will stop, and I won’t be able to breathe, and tears will come to my eyes and I will pretend its my contacts, and I will cough pretending it’s the beginning of a cold, and I will put on a fake smile and to everyone around me I’ll be just fine…and only I will now that my heart broked down a little more, and that I can’t seem to find a way to put it back together, that its shattered pieces hurt like broken glass…. And I will pretend im ok, everyday until even I believe it. A lie said a thousand times might not turn into a truth, but at least I wont have to deal with giving out explanations.

The Blower’s daugther

And so it is, just like you said it would be…..

So it ends, our story ends, for good. There is nothing I can do now, for I’ve known all along this would be the end. You love someone else, which proves my point in a way: you are capable of loving, just not me. You like someone else, and I understand it. I, as I told you earlier today, wish you the best. I hope, honestly and totally, that you find the person that makes your heart beat faster and that takes your breath away. You deserve to be loved by the one you love… you are amazing, we had a wonderful time together and I have no resentments.

But I have to deal with myself now, I have to figure out a way to move on. I don’t want to go back to making the same mistake, so I keep my head high, my heart [or the pieces of it] will make it through. Many good things are already happening [my job, my new apartment] and some others stay the same [my friends], so don’t worry about me, I’m a big girl, and big girls don’t cry.

Genio de los Acantilados

There has been too much said and done, too many pages written for the same thing. Im ready, now I’m ready for the real thing. Im here, willing to give my heart and soul, body and even a portion of my assets ;p. but apparently it’s not my turn, not my time yet. Its like a test…God is testing me to see how much I believe what I say: that he will only give you what’s good for you, that if you don’t have it is because you are better off without it…lets see how can I keep up believing it, ‘cause I’ve paid my dues and is about time now. [Insert ♪ mi corazoncito – Aventura ♪]

Volveré para contarte que he soñado colores nuevos y días claros…..

Tales of the Birthday of a mourning Lady

Oct 28

On Saturday was my birthday, im officially 21 now. I took a license from my mourning period and went to a concert. It was Marel Alemany Acustico @ Cinema Café. All my friends were there, even Y after saying that he wouldn’t. It was nice, I had Caipirinha’s, and Just like Nadia Ali’s concert, I could swear to God he was singing to me…all of his songs, the lyrics, they all hit me like I was carrying a giant bullseye….so much to think about after that. Afterwards, we all came home and just sat for like 10 minutes, after that everyone went home, and I go to sleep on the couch ‘cause my grandma was sleeping at my bed. So many questions linger on my head, I only hope I can be honest enough to not lie to myself.

Maybe later i'll try to find an answer.................

Aunque es falso el aire, siento que respiro…

Nov. 1

On my Job, im doing excellent. Today I even got to go to the Court House to do an investigation. I’ve been very busy, never leaving before 7.00. but I like it that way, I feel like a real lawyer now…doing lawyer stuff. I’ve placed all my energy on it, don’t have anything else but that. I don’t have a relationship, nor the sad but entertaining pseudo-whatever Y and I used to have (before he called the clause, definitively this time). I don’t have anything to do with my family anymore…the farther the better, at least until I finally move (which is very soon J) and my friends are all as busy as me most of the time, so I only get to see them on after work hours….which basically means work-party-rest-work….. I’ve been kinda off from Jessup, but then again….. I really wanna be a coach, but this team is somewhat self-sufficient. I don’t feel like studying, and I wont show up pretending to coach them by just talking out of my ass…so until I manage to read a couple of articles I have here I will restrain myself from coaching anybody.

I miss Washington, I miss those times… I miss the life I lost but even more I miss the life I never had.

Will you take what’s left of me?

Oct. 31

Its been a long time now since the last time I typed in here, this word document hidden on My documents under a very boring name so nobody will open it, just so later on I can post it on the web and shout at loud all the things I keep from the people around me…how ironic

My uncle died almost two weeks ago…it still sucks. I wanted to write in that moment, but I didn’t, there was never a chance and now I look back and regret it… my soul will never again be as bare and pure as it was on those days. I can still feel as if it was yesterday the pain that numbs me and makes me feel like someone punched me in the stomach… I can still remember his face on the coffin, the way his hands were still warm and flexible, the way I touched his hair…. Its hard to accept, to totally comprehend that he is dead (such a big and complex word), that I will never hear his jokes on Christmas, or hear my grandma fight at him for not taking his medication. It is even worst when I remember the bad times, the days we thought he would die in our arms. I know he is in heaven, I know he died happy, in his sleep and having felt the love and affection of everyone that knew him. He is dead now, he got the prize ahead….but there were still so many things to say.

The worst part is I feel like I took him for granted, that I just assumed that he would live forever and that I didn’t need to embrace every second he shared with us. I know God didn’t take him away, he was given to us for 37 whole years, and for that I’m thankful…. I’ve learned so much from your life, and from your death, that words could not express it. It has put my life in perspective in many aspects…in all aspects, but it still seems like a high price to pay. I miss you, and I will keep on missing you. I managed through the funeral and the services, but I know that it’s the little things that will be the hardest….i now officially hate Christmas if you are not here.


Oh Death, Where is thy Sting?
Oh, Grave, Where is thy victory?
For the loved ones never die,
‘cause love is immortality.

Song of the aching heart

I already said I cared
Anyway, you chose to go
You chose to let me go
You, as always, moved on
And it’s my fault
According to you
That im stuck in the same place as before
Back again
To square one
Feeling alone in the crowd
Wishing I was stronger
Wishing I could let go
Wishing I could move on
Leaving behind this piece of my life
Moving away from you
I don’t want it, you say you don’t either
But then again where breaking up
A bond of inexistence
And you blame me for the death of something unborn
I wished you’d stayed
I wished I could leave
I wished I was stronger
I wished I didn’t care

Burn my ships

Will you burn down your life to start all over again? Do you believe you can start from scratch? Something’s are harder than you think. To erase a life from your life, a touch from your skin, a smell from your memory… how to erase the past and to look at the future with a clean heart, when you’ve seen so much? We’ve stared at the sun, for hours on end, and now we are blind to the twinkling stars of the night. May there be an answer to our requests, may we find what we are looking for. And we fight, we become harder, tougher, stronger…and suddenly we become memories of people who are no longer here, yet the sweetness of this sadness cannot be denied.

Xi.
Somewhere down the path I chose,
Stands the one I’ve longed for so long
Not tall, nor short,
Not big nor small,
Just the right size to fit my hugs,
Just warm enough to keep the cold
Of lonely nights away and gone.

Maria, Maria....

I’ve found out today my name has three meanings: one is “sea of bitterness”, the other “she who disagrees/revolts” and the third, my personal favorite, “beloved [by god]”. I’ve been loved, I’ve loved; I’ve fought for the things I wanted and to defend my convictions, and even though I have a tendency to feel blue, bitter and frustrated, I somehow manage to keep on going. So, if a name defines who you are, I’m very happy I’ve got the one I have.

IX.

I know I can’t teach you a thing You haven’t learnt before
Whatever I’d like to tell you now You already know…
But I’ll try Just one time And I’ll say:
Look at the Sun – it’s so bright!
And it shines just for you
There’s nobody else
What you believe is your choice
It’s your life, so come on!
Don’t waste it away Just give your self another chance
It doesn’t matter if someone’s missing
There’s no one that can’t be replaced
So each morning you look for a reason
Just to open your eyes
But if you don’t find one deep in you
You’ll never find it outside So, here I try
One more time And I say:
Look at the Sun – it’s so bright!
There are so many roads you can take
There are still many things you can change
Just give your self another chance
Just give your self another chance

Nobody Else = Anita Lipnicka

Back to the future

The future. Its scares me, a lot actually, but the unexpected, the things you don’t see coming, the ones that take you by surprise…those are the ones we live for. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’ve paid my dues, done a lot of good deeds and sent a bunch of good karma around. Good things come to those who wait, I firmly believe. And I’ve waited a lot, so my good things must be arriving. And I wont sit down and wait for them, it may make them take longer, but I’m keeping my arms open and my smile wide, to say “welcome, I’ve been expecting you” when they finally arrive.

Y. I miss you. An awful lot actually. But I don’t really miss you; I miss the you I wanted you to be, the one that existed on my head. The one I loved, the one I hated, the one I made excuses for…him, I miss a lot. So much it hurts sometimes. But the you that you really are, or at least the one you pretend to be, I don’t love. I barely like him actually. Your impersonal persona, the “I don’t give a damm”, the “I have a life outside this”, him I don’t like. I placed so many hopes on you, and I know it was wrong, that it was my fault, so I take the blame… but it doesn’t make it any easier. And maybe all I am is angry, ‘cause all I want is to be in your arms, even if its all a lie, a circus charade we pretend to each other… I want to feel the way it feels when you touch me, when you kiss me, when I actually believe you give a damm about me. But you won’t, and I cant put myself through it again. I want the real thing, the commitment, and until then….. I’ll keep pretending I’m ok.

VI.
All I have is what I am,
and what I am I give to you
Unrestricted, unashamed
No strings attached
Mind, body and soul,
All I give to you my love
Just for you to take for free
As long as you take and love
The me that I am,
But you don’t, so I wont
And I leave and you go
And it ends
As we pretend
That it's all ok
And that we can still be friends
But a friend won’t break your heart
That is the truth, the one I know
And that is why
I’ll save them all
My mind, body and soul
For someone who is willing
To risk himself for love.

Yogen's Friends

I finally collected my debt with Fito. He took me to eat Ice cream today to celebrate my promotion. We drove home, I left my car and we took off on an amazing journey through decades of classics. He wouldn’t leave a song to play entirely, but now I know more about Death Leppard and RHCP than I did this morning. And we talked, about nothing really… we just talked, and it felt nice. He thanked me for introducing him to Rachel, he actually acknowledged that I have a clinical eye for matchmaking… they’ve gone out a couple of times on their own, they are calling each other on a regular basis, the whole dating ritual. I’m very happy for them. I really am, ‘cause if love, or whatever it may be, was possible [and so easy actually] for them, im sure I wont be any different. I won’t start going desperate… good things are coming my way, no need to rush; they will get here when they have to, and I will be waiting with open arms.

Hello Stranger

Today was my last day at my position. Monday I start doing lawyer’s stuff…and I’m thrilled!!! I said goodbye to everyone, especially to my bosses and friends. Everyone thanked me for always being so helpful and wished me the best. It feel very nice to know that I’ve caused such a good impression and that I can be the person other people look up and say “she’s cool” rather than just “she’s smart”. No wrong on being a nerd, I’m a proud hardcore nerd, but sometimes you wished others could see beyond it…and they have, so I’m happy!

It’s a challenge, but I’m ready to face it…like with all changes, I feel a knot on my stomach, but that’s good. It means good things are coming my way… I can feel It, I can almost taste it. They are coming…. I’m welcoming the unexpected.

Filosofia de la Chichigua [Kite's Philosophie]

One of my friends is going through a Blue period, and even though I could teach a class on depressive moods, I somehow don’t feel like joining him. Of course, depression is an ever present cloud on my sky, but I’ve made the solid decision to fight it. He’s been trough a lot of Bull…haven’t we all? But it’s basically the same story as mine, and I find myself talking to Me when I talk to him, saying what my subconscious knows but my conscious me wont acknowledge.

I talked to him today, and he admitted that things weren’t going that well. We agreed we would meet tomorrow to find the answers that lie on the bottom of a wine bottle, and we talked about life a little, and he sounded happy to hear from me. It’s that phone call from that friend you weren’t expecting that gets you out of the cloud, I’m hoping I can be that friend for him.

Life goes on, shit happens but it also goes away, and the only way to make it through is getting your act together and moving on. Sometimes you feel like you are riding a rollercoaster that’s out of control, but you can’t find a way to get out. The best you can do is close your eyes, feel the wind on your face and enjoy the ride.

You better kill me before I kill you

Bad days stick around like a bad Britney song...ok, like all of britney’s songs, but good days….good days are rare and precious, and demand to be enjoyed on every second while they last. This past week has been good, very good. I don’t know if it is the crystal I’m seeing life through, if things are just better or if it’s the fact that death is so close by that makes me appreciate life more.

My uncle is dying, or at least scared the shit out of us by being so sick, but now he’s better. He’s not ok, but at least he’s closer to this side…and I am grateful for that. More than what many people, or even myself would believe. Death brings out the worst in me... I can’t deal with death, I just can’t. And having to get used to the fact that someone so close could die was a process, just like that breakup back in 2001, it made me stronger, wiser…it made me grow up a bit more. I now understand that life can’t be measured. That my standards won’t work with everyone else. That the only requirement to die is to be alive, breathing. And now I understand that the best way to be ready is to go to sleep everyday in peace with yourself and with the world around you. Nobody is ready, but at least you know you can get through. I won’t write sad things about it. There were many, but im focusing on the good ones now, my new crystal to see life through: I’ve renewed my faith, not that I ever stopped believing, but is good to know that God hears you. Our family is closer, which is good, and it was a tough reality check: there’s more to life than grades and degrees, and honors and job titles, and credit cards debts and boyfriends…there’s more to life than all that. It’s all about the small things.

[My uncle died the day after I wrote this post at 5 am from a heart failure while he was sleeping †]