We, who have been loved

Yesterday many things happened, even thought it was just an ordinary day. I went to the movies with several of my friends. It must be noted that there is a peculiarity to this: one of them is gay [herein after “G”] (every girls has a gay friend, if you think you don’t…look around a little bit harder, I can say it by experience) and another one of my friends doesn’t know it yet [she might suspect it, but she is in denial…so I’ll call her “D”]. Its such a private and personal thing coming out to someone, that I cant tell her, but he hasn’t had the opportunity yet…which makes it kind of awkward really since he is out for almost everyone else.

So we are in the movies watching Hairspray (yes, I actually liked it…who are you to judge me for that? I also read Nietzche, so go figure….). and the whole topic about integration just took a step further in my head. I thought of the integration of people like my friend in a homophobic society. I couldn’t help but wonder how it must be to wish so hard for the things many of us take for granted. Holding hands on the streets, moving in together, getting married…all of that without the accusing eye of a pseudo-religious society. He told me once about how much he wanted to be a father, and putting aside the obvious biological reasons, the problem is still there, he can’t just adopt a kid in this country, and even if he chose to do so somewhere he can, it would be a burden for the kid having to live with the stigma of being the son of a gay couple. Sure in San Francisco or LA it might not look like a big deal, but let me assure you …kindergarten kids are the same in every country, they will make fun of very kid that is different in anyway. I was a kindergarten teacher and I know from experience that kids can be really mean and hurtful; but happily they also learn from the example of adults.

So it doesn’t matter if it is Alabama or West Palm Beach, being the son or daughter of a gay couple is still something that will shape a kid [not to say that it will traumatize him, ‘cause that isn’t the case on all kids], and it requires extra strength and help from their parents, but mostly from society…yes, that means your and me. It means not to stare, not to point, not to whisper, and to be tolerant and open to others peoples point o views and decisions...specially those that do not harm us at all.

On other news, I’m broke again. Not really…or is it that I have never been not broke?... I don’t know anymore :p. A friend of mine was talking today about her moving out, and she was saying that maybe for next year ‘cause she was waiting to get a raise….should I say that she is making double of what I do? And I am moving out on December [let the countdown beging!] I can’t say that I’m not terrified…I am. But I’m also very excited. Scared? Maybe, but that’s the feeling you get right before you jump into something new. I thought it over and over [yes, I might have to get a second job, but the sacrifice is still worth it] and all I get is this feeling on my stomach. Its indescribable, and I know that when I finally take my stuff to MY house its gonna get so bad it just might hurt, but I’m ecstatic. A place of your own is, not only the first step to independence, but where you have to probe yourself what you are made of.

Yesterday I had a fight with my brother, no biggie, just the usual. And as always my mom turned to his side. But I actually was happy, she gave me another reason to throw at her when she starts inquiring about me leaving. I know every argument she’ll use, every line she’ll say: That im doing this to punish her, that all I want is to live an out-of-control life, to party and sleep around (a silent tear please for my non existent sex life….), that I’ll spend all my money and then come crawling back….. yet I don’t care. I know I might be running away from my problems (yes I admit it, I do that pretty often) but this is the best escape I’ve ever had. I wanna probe this to myself..that I can make it out in the big world... the real world. We are supossed to be adults now, we just might have to start acting like so.

For example, I was making a list of the things I wanted and/or needed, and even thought when I started [sober] I had a lot of things in it, now that my senses are enhanced by the ever powerful Tequila I realize that even if they were money relates, the things I want the most cant be bought with money. Which, in a very weird way, makes me very happy.


The third thing about today is the very present question, several people have asked me lately: if you like this guy, why would you hook him up with someone else? Well, here is my answer: out of sight, out of mind. Yes, I like him. I don’t love him, but he is cute and funny. But HE doesn’t like me and that’s the catch; I tend to obsess for guys that like me as a friend …well not anymore. A good friend of mine once said that guys know within ten minutes of meeting you if you are friend or dating material. I never listened to a word he said, but this time I believed him. I asked this guy to join me on several occasions [parties, dinners, movies…you name it] and he never did. So one day while I was staring at my Outlook, pretending to be working but actually bored out of my senses [ a very common feeling, specially on Thursdays] it just hit me : he is not into you….just get used to it and move on… embrace it.. he is not into you. So I said, fuck it… I set him up with a friend of mine, the three of us went out, we had a blast and now they are calling each other and going out on their own. How much did it take him to start going out with her? A week top… how long did it take him going out with me? He never did, because technically the day I introduced him to my friend wasn’t a date…or at least not to me [and dammed he looked good that day!]. now that I know he is dating someone else [ someone I know and care for none the less] I am free to look the other way and find a guy that does want to go out with me and call me and date me…one that likes me for more than just a friend.

I heard my aunt saying the other day that you have to declare what you want in order to achieve it… well im declaring right here and now: im moving out and I’ll make it throught; im getting a boyfriend, not a sad excuse for one, not a bed-warming-male-cushion…a real loving boyfriend; and im going to be the best I can, because worring so much never ment I was getting all the things I wanted. Just one day at a time, ‘cause it’s the only way to be the best that I can be.